“A true man does not need to romance a different girl every night,
a true man romances the same girl for the rest of her life.”
- Ana Alas
ROMANTIC DATE IDEAS
It’s important to plan romantic time with your partner. Time for just the two of you to spend together... alone. Away from children, careers and worries. Romantic dates don’t have to cost a lot of money or be very elaborate. Try to schedule romantic time at least once a month. It’ll do wonders for your relationship. Just be sure you both know to treat the time like a real date-no cancellations! There’s even books that will make it really fun. 101 Nights of Grrreat Romance is absolutely perfect if you love surprises. If you are a planner, we’ve complied a small list of ideas for you to read. Maybe one will spark your interest or be something you can build upon.
1. Drive to a nearby town you have never visited before. Shop, eat at local restaurants and be a tourist.
2. Start with Mood Makers, i.e. candles, music and open a box of Bed of Roses and sprinkle all over your bed.
3. Go on a hike that has an incredible view and have a picnic. If it has a hot springs, go take a dip.
4. Visit a botanical garden. Spend the day smelling the flowers and taking photos of the plants and each other. Pack a lunch.
5. Tour a winery. Do some taste testing and purchase your favorites at the gift counter.
6. Play a sexy board game. Click here for Games People Play.
7. Have a sexy cooking night. Cook together in the kitchen wearing nothing but aprons and dish up the meal by candlelight.
8. Rent a cabin by the lake or mountains and cozy up to the views and fire.
9. Be a tourist in your own city.
10. Write a romantic note. Try Cosmo's Naughty Notes.
11. Take a short train trip or an overnight one.
12. Go on a road trip thru the country; stop at antique stores and local restaurants. Than stay at a cozy bed and breakfast.
13. Have a bonfire at the beach, drink hot cocoa or coffee and make smores.
14. Get dressed up and go out to dinner and dancing. Go sledding or ice-skating.
15. Go for a hot-air balloon ride scheduled around the same time as sunset.
16. Watch an erotic video at home together. Make it a home movie night with popcorn, candy and flavored lubricants!
17. Take a nice relaxing bath with candles then have a romantic massage date at home. Click here for our Mood Makers.
18. Rent canoes and paddle around the nearest lake.
19. Go on a day cruise.
20. Go to dinner and a movie or movie and dessert.
IMAGINE: SEX FANTASIES
Excerpted from the July 2002 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine.
Champagne, candlelight, a man at the door who craves commitment—picture it. Lisa Kogan praises the headiest adventure of all: fantasizing.
Fantasy Versus Reality
Here's the fantasy: a rustic cabin in the woods, pink Champagne and Benicio Del Toro. Here's the reality: a cramped studio in the city, Diet Snapple and a guy who hogs the remote. Don't get me wrong; I've got nothing against the keeper of my remote. As a 41-year-old woman who counts on kind lighting and public transportation, I'm pretty well-grounded here in the real world. Everyday life is fine by me, as long as in the privacy of my own brain I can indulge in a bit of fantasy. And nothing beats a good sex fantasy.
The Sky's the Limit
If your body hasn't been called "perky" since Gymboree, in fantasy you can give yourself permission to swing naked from a crystal chandelier. If the phrase "Okay, honey, this time you be the panda bear and I'll be the ambassador to China" has never passed your lips, in fantasy you can give it a whirl. If coating Hugh Jackman with peanut butter doesn't appear to be a viable option, in fantasy you can follow up with a layer of raspberry jam and not even ruin your DKNY duvet cover. The point is that a no-holds-barred, rip-off-my-clothes-with-your-teeth-right-here-right-now sex fantasy is not only the safest, healthiest way to have more fun in bed, it's also a way to keep a long-term monogamous relationship from feeling like—dare I say it?—a long-term monogamous relationship. The occasional fantasy is to sexual pleasure what smoked salmon is to bagel and cream cheese: that little something extra that elevates the delicious to the sublime.
Should You Fantasize and Tell?
The real question is how much of your private fantasy should be incorporated into real life or, for that matter, even divulged. In a perfect world, the answer would be "However much turns you on." But unless Peter Jennings interrupted our regularly scheduled programming with some kind of news bulletin I missed, this is not a perfect world. So the answer to that question probably comes down to how shy you're feeling and how much you know and trust your partner.
Perhaps a smart rule of thumb is to ask yourself how much you really want to hear about your lover's fantasies. Would it excite you to know he's pretending the two of you are all alone on a tropical island? Terrific. Would it excite you to know that he's pretending the two of you are on a tropical island with another woman? Possibly. Another man? Maybe. The cast of Gilligan's Island...and you get to wear the Skipper's hat? Hmmm. You may choose to keep your more ferocious fantasies to yourself. Personally, I find it fascinating to share, and I love knowing what a man is thinking.
A Fantasy Faux Pas?
What you need to know is this: There's no such thing as an inappropriate fantasy. A rape fantasy is not proof that you want to be raped; a lesbian fantasy is not proof that you're gay, any more than a heterosexual fantasy means you're straight; a dominatrix fantasy doesn't mean you ought to run right out and invest in a pair of leather pants (unless you're Tyra Banks, believe me, they look much better in your head than on your butt). Whether you choose to explore your fantasies—however mild or wild they may be—is up to you, but by all means don't hesitate to let your imagination jump-start your body into a sexier sex life. Sometimes a girl needs a jolt of adventure—if only in her daydreams.
WHY YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX
by Audrey Edwards (From the debut issue of O, The Oprah Magazine)
Our culture tells us we should feel super sexy at every stage of life. But some women don't. Explore the reasons, the reality.
The same scenario is being played out in bedrooms across America: Women who used to enjoy good sex with their partners, and who still love them, say that now they would just as soon go straight to sleep. An estimated 24 million American women aren't interested in sex, based on a recent study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association.
What's Going On Here?
"We're seeing a lot of women in their thirties and early forties—well before menopause—who've had a basic decrease in sexual desire," says Elena Kamel, M.D., assistant professor of clinical obstetrics and gynecology at Northwestern University in Chicago.
Though certain medical problems can cause a woman to lose interest in sex, for the most part, a weakened libido is part of the natural aging process. "Women have a progressive decline in estrogen levels starting in their thirties and forties," says Kamel.
An under active thyroid, oral contraceptives and blood-pressure-lowering drugs can also inhibit libido. As can something as simple and obvious as chronic sleep deprivation—a problem for virtually every woman who has young children at home.
Another contributing factor is the prevalence of depression among women, which is, almost by definition, accompanied by a loss of interest in sex. Unfortunately, many of the newer antidepressant medications prescribed to treat this problem also kill sexual desire as a side effect.
The Strain of Everyday Life
As women have taken on more responsibilities outside the home, they haven't given up any of the caretaking duties they've always shouldered, and the strain often shows up in the bedroom. Anger and resentment—even if they go unacknowledged—start to creep in. Many women in long-term relationships also lose interest in sex because they don't want the kind of sex they've been having. "When two people have been together for a long time, sex often gets routine and stops feeling personal," says Ruth Morehouse, Ph.D., co-director of the Marriage & Family Health Center in Evergreen, Colorado.
For things to get better, stresses Morehouse, women need to take the risk of figuring out what they want sexually—something many still don't know—and to accept part of the responsibility for having an unsatisfying or boring sex life. "If you're giving in to keep the peace, going through the motions, you're not really there," says Morehouse. "You're helping to keep the relationship stagnant."
Think About What You Really Want
To reclaim sexual desire for yourself, begin by looking within. Stop and ask yourself these important questions: Have you given yourself over to your job, to your children or to other things in your life to the extent that you now feel depleted by them? Do you have moments when you feel that you no longer know who you are and why you're leading this life of yours?
It's vital to get behind the feelings of numbness and emptiness that may have replaced your sexual desire. Once you've started an honest dialogue with yourself on these issues, you need to then talk with your partner about them. Being completely open about what you're feeling about your life together is the first step to reclaiming your true self—and the sexual person you once were.
FOREPLAY...ALL DAY!
From Oprah.com
"I think foreplay begins all day." — Oprah
Dr. Hilda Hutcherson says that statistically, only about 29% of women find it easy to orgasm during intercourse. What that means is that 71% of women find it difficult to orgasm during intercourse!
According to Dr. Hutcherson, most women need to expand their definition of sex. Think of sex as a banquet: Intercourse is just one delicacy. There are many other things you can do to pleasure each other!
Start Outside of the Bedroom
Foreplay starts hours, even days, before you start intercourse. Dr. Hutcherson says, "Women tell me every day, 'I wish I could get a little tenderness outside the bedroom.'" Here are some things you can do.
• Tell your partner that you need affection! Ask him to tell you something nice during the day, not just when you get into the bedroom.
• Start kissing more...having real kisses.
• Hold hands and touch in a non-sexual way. When you touch, your body releases a chemical called oxytocin that helps people bond. This is the same chemical new mothers release that helps create stronger bonds with their child. The same type of bonding can happen between couples.
• Don't make intercourse the most important thing in the relationship.
When He's Satisfied and You Aren't!
The solution: Lots and lots and lots of foreplay! Because intercourse is not an efficient way for a woman to orgasm, Dr. Hutcherson says to ask for as much as an hour of foreplay before intercourse. Women often don't experience enough tenderness and foreplay, and therefore never climax. Make sure you get to a high state of arousal before having intercourse.
There are also techniques you can use to help your partner prolong intercourse. You can find more specifics in Part V of What Your Mother Never Told You About Sex called, "When Sex Isn't Great."
More Reasons You May Be Dissatisfied
There are many reasons healthy women are dissatisfied with sex other than not being aroused. If more foreplay isn't working, here are some explanations Dr. Hutcherson says are worth considering.
- Low self-esteem
- Medications can prevent women from experiencing pleasure.
- Remember to change your definition of sex! It's not just intercourse.
HOW LOVE KEEPS YOU HEALTHY
By Sarah Mahoney, Prevention magazine
It doesn't just make you feel good — it can fight disease, boost immunity, and lower stress.
Who doesn't love being in love? A true Valentine listens to you vent about work, lets you have that last slice of pizza, and (usually) remembers to take out the trash. He doesn't expect you to watch the Super Bowl. And he always thinks you're sexy, even in thermal underwear and bunny slippers.
Scientists have long been keen to prove that love gives us health benefits, too—beyond the obvious advantage of always having a date for New Year's Eve. Researchers can't say for sure that romance trumps an affectionate family or warm friendships when it comes to wellness. But they are homing in on how sex, kinship, and caring all seem to make us stronger, with health gains that range from faster healing and better control over chronic illnesses to living longer.
The Benefits of Love are Explicit and Measurable:
A study last year from the University of Pittsburgh found that women in good marriages have a much lower risk of cardiovascular disease than those in high-stress relationships. The National Longitudinal Mortality Study, which has been tracking more than a million subjects since 1979, shows that married people live longer, have fewer heart attacks and lower cancer rates, and even get pneumonia less frequently than singles. And a new study from the University of Iowa found that ovarian cancer patients with a strong sense of connection to others and satisfying relationships had more vigorous "natural killer" cell activity at the site of the tumor than those who didn't have those social ties. (These desirable white blood cells kill cancerous cells as part of the body's immune system.) Some experts think it won't be long before doctors prescribe steamy sex, romantic getaways, and caring communication in addition to low-cholesterol diets and plenty of rest. If that sounds like a happy Rx, here are ways to make the emerging evidence translate into real-life advice.
The Benefits of Bear Hugs
Doctors at the University of North Carolina have found that hugging may dramatically lower blood pressure and boost blood levels of oxytocin, a relaxing hormone that plays a key role in labor, breastfeeding, and orgasms. Researchers asked couples to sit close to one another and talk for 10 minutes, then share a long hug; afterward they found positive, albeit small, changes in both blood pressure and oxytocin.
But the power of frequent daily hugging was intense: The women with the highest oxytocin levels had systolic blood pressure that was 10 mm/Hg lower than women with low oxytocin levels—an improvement similar to the effect of many leading blood pressure medications, says Kathleen Light, PhD, a professor of psychiatry at UNC and one of the study's authors.
"Getting more daily hugs from their husbands was related to higher oxytocin, and so the hugs were indirectly related to lower blood pressure," she says. Men didn't get the blood pressure benefit from hugging. But don't feel bad for him: He probably gets the same health gains from steady sex that you do from daily snuggling.
A 2002 study from the University of Bristol in England found that men who had sex two or more times a week cut their risk of having a fatal heart attack in half. And a recent study from the National Cancer Institute found that men who ejaculate frequently may be protecting themselves against prostate cancer. The hormone oxytocin has been linked to trust, and it helps women bond with everyone from newborns to stockbrokers. But its biggest benefit may turn out to be physical. Breastfeeding has been definitively linked to both lower breast cancer rates and the slower growth of some breast cancer cells; researchers speculate that oxytocin may be responsible.
"It is safe to say that oxytocin is linked to emotional as well as physical closeness in partners," Light says. "And while the healing power of this connection is not yet proven, we think it will be soon."
Oxytocin also surges through the bodies of men and women during orgasm. But whether sex itself directly improves women's health is still not certain. One of the most concrete connections comes from a study by Carl J. Charnetski, PhD, a professor of psychology at Wilkes University and coauthor of Feeling Good Is Good for You.
In 2004, he measured the immune function of 112 college students, many of whom were in close, loving relationships. Those who had sex with their partner once or twice a week had significantly higher amounts of immunoglobulin A, an antibody that is the body's first line of defense in fighting off disease and infections, than those who had sex less than once a week or not at all.
Although making sure you have weekly sex is great health advice, more isn't necessarily better. Charnetski was surprised to discover that the immune systems of those who had sex three or more times a week were no better off than the no-sex-at-all group. Maybe, he theorizes, "couples who have sex just once a week are simply in healthier, more secure relationships, and have nothing to prove.” Though researchers have yet to link orgasms from masturbation to any measurable physiological gains for women, it's clear that women perceive instant health benefits.
Carol Rinkleib Ellison, PhD, a marriage counselor and sex researcher in Oakland, CA, and author of Women's Sexualities, surveyed 2,632 women from their teens to their 90s and found that two-thirds had masturbated in the previous month. Although most cited the obvious ("because it feels good"), many also gave specific health-related reasons for double-clicking their own mouse—39% said it relaxed them, 32% said it helped them sleep, and 9% said it eased menstrual cramps.
Steady sex may also make women healthier by making relationships happier: When couples are content with their sexual status quo, they've eliminated a big—and extremely stressful—area of conflict. While sex is hardly the only (or even the best) measure of how happy a couple is, it is a kind of romantic superglue.
Researchers from the University of Sheffield in England interviewed 28 participants who had been married at least 20 years and found that a consistent sex life continued to be important throughout marriage.
"The majority of our participants felt that sex granted their marriage a way to express love, commitment, and trust," says Sharron Hinchliff, PhD, a psychologist researcher and author of the study. And when circumstances—a health problem or scheduling change, for instance—made it more difficult for these couples to have sex, they found a way to adapt their sex lives quickly so that they barely noticed the upheaval.
Why We Need to Feel Close
Experts are quick to point out that sex is only one aspect of connection, and not as powerful as the real magic in relationships: bonding. That sense of being united, even during bad times, is a trait that Brian Baker, a psychiatrist at the University of Toronto, calls cohesion. And his research has found that it's more important to both health and happiness than a good sex life.
In one study, he tracked 229 adults who were under job strain. Though they had higher blood pressure at the start, spouses in pleasurable marriages actually lowered systolic blood pressure by 2.5 mm/Hg over a 12-month period. What's more, Baker says, happy couples seem to know almost instinctively that doing things together and spending more time with each other adds to their happiness. It's not that sex didn't matter to these couples. "It's one component of satisfaction," he says. "But couples who had less sex didn't seem to have any less sense of cohesion, and it was their emotional collaboration—their partnership—that kept the marriage strong."
Maybe, Ellison says, that bond is the brass ring of marriage, enabling us to build a safe cocoon in a world full of difficult bosses, too much traffic, and not enough time. "An ideal relationship gives you a place to come home and recharge your battery. Sitting down with your partner makes you feel calmer. You're in a secure nest, and you're less stressed," she says. "How could that not be good for you?"
The Love Rx
Granted, sharing a bond of closeness with your sweetheart feels magical. But a relationship can seem more like a bed of thorns than roses when he's criticizing you over the morning coffee. With the exception of Marge Simpson, most women outgrow the idea that they can change men.
But that doesn't mean relationships can't change; couples can learn to fight sweeter, replacing hostile comments with less judgmental ones. "Conflict itself is normal," says Baker, "and it's healthy—it engages couples in the relationship."
But there is a difference between healthy fighting and fighting that wears down your immunity. Studies from the University of Washington show that happy couples manage to be far more positive than negative when they're duking it out, interjecting playful jokes and affectionate pokes in the ribs.
In contrast, the I'm-ready-to-break-some-dishes-now anger that comes with fighting causes physiological changes that John Gottman, PhD, executive director of the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, calls "flooding"; these leave heart rates too high for the couple to come to any effective solution. Researchers believe that warm interactions between couples can bring about powerful health results, even when one of the partners is battling disease. At the Fox Chase Cancer Center in Philadelphia, Sharon Manne, PhD, studied couples struggling with the wife's breast cancer diagnosis and treatment. Some couples were coached to be more supportive; others muddled through on their own.
The wives in the coached group fared better, as measured by their levels of distress and depression. And while Manne's own research has focused solely on cancer, she thinks couples can use any stressful period to find a friendlier footing. What worked best? "When partners learned to minimize negative comments and were responsive, and when they were willing to share their own concerns and worries, rather than pretending nothing was wrong...that can make a bad marriage good, or a good marriage even better," says Manne. In fact, the physiological findings from love research have inspired even the skeptics to change the way they look at relationships—in the lab and at home.
"My husband is an immunologist, and when we started our research, he'd be the first to admit that he thought the psychology part of this was a crock," says Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, director of health psychology at Ohio State University's College of Medicine. "Now, he's seen what stress can do in bad relationships, and also how a good relationship can protect people from outside stresses—like work." And it's made the two treasure the time they have to bond. "One of the things we like to do after dinner is to sit with a glass of wine, looking out over the Scioto River. It's clear to us that close relationships are incredibly helpful to our health and well-being."
SEVEN STEPS TO RESCUING ROMANCE.
From the Oprah.com
Try one every day of the week, focus on one at a time, do whatever you like with them—but do take them all to heart.
1. Find Out What You Want
Are you meeting your partner's needs? Are your needs being met? What are they? After you know partner's needs, if you find yourselves still frustrated, realize that it's not that you can't meet your partner's needs, it's that you won't. Think about why you haven't yet.
2. Respect Your Partner.
It shouldn't matter why your partner needs what he or she needs. Consider Dr. Phil's example: If one of your kids got up in the middle of the night and said, "I'm thirsty," would you just turn around and say, "Well, I'm not, so go back to bed"? The key is to appreciate your partner's individuality. Don't expect your partner to react exactly as you would; your partner isn't you!
3. What Message Do You Send?
Think about the message you are sending your partner when you don't acknowledge his or her wants. How does this make your partner feel? How would it make you feel?
4. Compromise.
Know that you can fulfill your partner's wants. But by prioritizing your needs alone, you're making the conscious decision to not to fulfil his or her wants. Try talking about both of your needs and wants. Find the middle ground.
5. Don't Forget Romance
Keep in mind that romance is an important element of marriage. Your partner might consider romance as the true measure of his or her value to your relationship. Be thoughtful and try doing something sweet for no apparent reason.
6. Remember the 4-minute rule
You can predict the rest of the night based on the first 4 minutes, so make those minutes count! Bring flowers. Greet each other with a compliment. Ask questions about your partner's day. Smile; it'll make a difference.
7. Open Up
Be communicative and expressive with your partner. Remember, sharing emotions is not weakness; it makes you whole.
From the show Advice to Husbands Only.
THE POWER HOUSE OF SEXUAL PLEASURE!
By Marie Clare (source: ezinearticles.com)
In a previous article "The Joys Of Self Pleasure" I gave you tips on how to have a relaxing time with masturbation. Let me just say that I feel sex and masturbation are both a part of a healthy lifestyle. Having said that, I also believe that sex toys can be a great means of pleasure and can really enhance ones lovemaking. So today I want to tell you about one vibrator that gets used regularly in this household. This is a vibrator you can use when you are alone, or together with your partner during sex. Which by the way, is one of the reasons it gets used so often. I'm speaking of The Jack Rabbit. Nooo not the fury little critter we see at Easter, but a jelly-coated, multi colored, multi speed powerhouse of sexual pleasure.
The Jack Rabbit Vibrator was chosen as the best vibrator of 40 different vibrators on the Playboy TV's "Sexcetera". Charlotte was addicted to it on HBO's "Sex and the City", and it was selected as the best vibrator on a New York radio station when pitted against the Hitachi Magic Wand.
The Rabbit Vibrator is designed especially with the needs of women in mind. For this reason they stand out as one of the best and top selling sex toys for women, and purchased by women. Now, if you are wondering why someone who is happily married would have a Jack Rabbit Vibrator, you haven't had the pleasure of it's vibrations and gyrations yet. ;-)
The Rabbit Vibrator has three main parts. First a rotating or gyrating penis shaped shaft to give it a realistic feeling. Some Rabbit Vibrators have metal or plastic beads embedded in the shaft that vibrate or rotate. The beads rotate and vibrate massaging the vaginal muscles during orgasm. This really helps to enhance the feeling of an orgasm. And I mean REALLY Enhance! These beads or "pleasure pearls" as they are called are found only on a Rabbit Vibrator.
Then there are the "bunny ears". These "ears" flicker from the vibrations. They stimulate the clitoris while the shaft of the vibrator is inserted vaginally. This once again is perfect for women as it has been long proven that women experience easier and stronger orgasms if during penetration the clitoris is stimulated at the same time. The Jack Rabbit Vibrator does just that! And they do it very well!
Rabbit Vibrators have a turbo powered dual controller. An independent control for the 'rabbit ears', and one for the speed and swing of the vibrator shaft. This allows for a totally unique sexual experience for each woman, as sexual arousal is different for each of us. When all of these features work their magic together it is like the excitement of being on the largest roller coaster in the world. Can you just imagine all of that pleasure! WOW!
All I can tell you is how much I love my Jack Rabbit and if you haven't had the pleasure of the Rabbit's vibrations and gyrations yet and you're looking for a vibrator made especially for women, the Rabbit Vibrator is IT! The Rabbit Vibrator - A Girl's Best Friend!
Good Vibrations! Marie Clare -Relationship Consultant & Author
HOW TO WATCH AND ENJOY ADULT MOVIES WITH YOUR PARTNER.
The adult movie industry is better than ever. Quality films are being made with storylines, exotic locations, huge budgets and yes, good acting. There’s a large selection of great films ranging from educational to sensual to hardcore. Movies are an easy way to put a little spice into your relationship and are visually arousing for both men and women, alike. Not all films are made for everyone. If you or your partner is intimidated or hesitant to watch adult movies or films, communicate with each other find out what the hesitancy is about. Does it make either of you uncomfortable and if so, why? Does it create a feeling of jealously? Films are made to enhance your sex life, not to cause unwanted feelings or inadequacies. Just remember, it’s not the actors in the films that arouse individuals; it’s the act they are engaging in. Sight and sound are huge sensory factors and watching movies will enhance your sex play! It’s always a good idea to choose your movies together. Just remember to enjoy it for what it is – entertainment. Before watching a movie, do a little preparation: Get yourselves ready for sex because nothing ruins the mood faster than having to take a time out in the middle of being all hot and bothered! Make sure the kids are fast asleep and that there's a lock on your door for privacy. Keep the remote handy and know how to use it. Before you start the video, if you’re using toys, condoms and/or lubricants, get them out and put them within easy reach.
SPICE UP YOUR SEX LIFE WITH COSTUMES.
By Marie Clare (source: ezinearticles.com)
Pretending to be someone else can be fun. Remember when you were a kid and you would dress up as your favorite character. For girls it may have been a princess, favorite actress or singer. For the guys it may have been your favorite super hero, or villain. Well, whatever it was it doesn't have to stop just because you've become an adult. As a matter of fact, incorporating this dress up fun into your love life can be very rewarding. Pretending to be someone else with the one you love is exciting and can generally lead to some very passionate love making.
Costumes can bring a whole new dimension to your relationship. Dimensions that you may have never thought of before. Dressing up and roll playing with your husband, wife or lover is a great way to have a unique loving experience in the bedroom. Ladies imagine if you will, coming home to find your lover in a police costume. At the door you are told "You are under arrest" then handcuffed and taken to the bedroom. You will need to beg for your release, as you are at the mercy of the officer. ;-)
And guys I haven't forgotten about you. Imagine coming home from work and finding a French Maid greeting you at the door. "Bonjour" she says as she takes your coat, ushers you to the study or den and provides you with your favorite beverage. Removing your tie to make you all the more comfortable.
You and your lover will be able to explore a fantasy world limited only by your own imaginations. Maybe you'd like to be transformed into the Siren, a Sexy women who knows what she wants, and knows how to get it. Every man melts at her touch. Or possibly the all American Girl next door. Pretty and innocent but watch out, she'll seduce you with just a glance. Or what about your man dressing up as a Sexy Pizza Delivery Guy. You know you shouldn't invite him in, but he looks so delicious.
Role playing can be a healthy venue to live out your fantasies. It's like making love to someone new every time. And costumes are the vehicle to achieve just that. Today there are many styles of sexy clothing and lingerie available to buy online. And having it delivered to your door discreetly is easier then ever. So creating your sexy look is at your finger tips. Now while some people may feel embarrassed to role play, feeling like dressing up in costumes and acting out a fantasy is a fetish or something to be hidden and ashamed of, know this. When done in the privacy of your own home in a loving and caring environment, it is a fun and safe way to enhance your love life with your partner. Plus, open up a whole new world to you both. So go ahead and explore the world of costumes and roll playing!
THE MARRIED MALE MIND.
By Susanna Schrobsdorff
Newsweek Feb. 14, 2006
Are men really commitmentphobes? Do they ever get enough sex? What makes them fall for a particular woman, and why do some stray? Journalist Neil Chethik sets out to answer these questions for perplexed females everywhere in: "VoiceMale—What Husbands Really Think About Their Marriages, Their Wives, Sex, Housework and Commitment" (Simon & Shuster). In a national survey of nearly 300 American husbands and in-depth interviews with 70 men in all stages of marriage, Chethik explores what makes them happy and what frustrates them. The encouraging news: 93 percent of all husbands he spoke to said that they'd marry the same woman again given the chance. But while 82 percent are satisfied with their sex lives, Chethik reports that men are sometimes "astounded by how long women can go without thinking about sex."
NEWSWEEK's Susanna Schrobsdorff spoke with Neil Chethik about why men rate "positivity" highest among attractive female personality traits, what they really want for Valentine's Day (hint: it's not chocolate) and how the division of housework directly affects a couple's sex life. Excerpts:
NEWSWEEK: What do men want for Valentine's Day?
Neil Chethik: They want no Valentine's Day. They would love it if Valentine's Day just went away. Men feel a lot of pressure on Valentine's Day. Our culture says: "What did he do for you for Valentine's Day?" It's kind of a status symbol. In general though, what they want is not another tie or gadget. They would like their wives to initiate romance. They like it when their wives will actually think about sex, and even plan it. It doesn't have to be that night, but if she gave him a certificate for one night where she'll lock the bedroom door and take over, men would be pleased with that. It's not so much the sex itself, but the interest in sex.
Are married men unhappy with the amount of sex they get?
Not usually, but sometimes men will wait out a woman and say to themselves, I wonder how long it will be before she'll initiate sex? And men are astounded by how long women can go without thinking about sex, and women are astounded by how long men can go without thinking about housecleaning. For a woman, the atmosphere in the home is part of what makes her feel good and sexy. And for a man, the communication that's going on sexually is part of what makes him feel he's in a happy place. And it's not only sex. Almost every level of happiness, and positiveness in relationships is related to housework.
So housecleaning and happiness are related?
In writing the book, I kept seeing the parallel between housework and sex in the interviews. Men said the happier their wives were in the division of housework, the happier the men were with their sex lives. We even looked at the numbers and found that there's more sex in the relationship if the wife is happy with the division of housework. It doesn't have to be exactly equal, the wife just has to think it's fair. When a woman comes in she notices if it's a mess, it's often socialized in [her] that [she is] more responsible for the look of the home. So if he can recognize that by doing a fair share, then he is often rewarded with sex. She's not as angry or burdened and she's not as tired.
Does that mean men should give their wives a full housecleaning for Valentine's Day?
Yes! It wasn't till I did this book that I recognized that it's not just the doing of the housework that's a burden to women, it's the worrying about the housecleaning that is a burden. Finally I agreed to hire someone to help clean our house, and it had a direct effect on our sex life.
What makes men decide to get married?
Men are different than women because we shy away from the pure romantic. There's a practical side for them beyond chemistry. One man in my book looked at it in terms of a spreadsheet—costs on one side and the benefits on the other. We look at pros and cons and what kind of partnership we would have with this woman. Because of sports, we're schooled in how to be a teammate, how to communicate without necessarily using words, how to work for common goals. If we can meet a person who we think will be on our side, we're very attracted to her. Most men, contrary to our image as commitmentphobic, are interested in finding that person who is a partner, friend and lover through life.
Which personality traits appeal most to men?
What really attracts men beyond that first blush of physical attraction, is someone who is temperamentally positive, enthusiastic adventurous. We recognize that women often set the emotional tone of the home. If she's exciting and upbeat, then we're going to be in that kind of sphere. If she's negative, critical and unhappy then we're going to be in that kind sphere. The other thing is self-confidence. Men [who] are looking for women might know they're not [ranked] a 10; but that they have many "10" qualities and they emphasize those qualities. We men know we're not 10s most of the time either. We understand the need to look for what is beautiful about this person.
Women are sometimes unhappy with the way men express emotion. What do men say about that?
[When] I'd ask men how they express love to their wives, they say: "I'll fill up her gas tank when it's low. I get her car washed." And the women say: "Well that's not what I really want." There's an expression gap between the way men want to say it, and the way women want to hear it. Women could open up to the way the man might be expressing his love. A lot of men will say they don't love their jobs, but they work because they want their family to have a nice home and refuge. At lot of times women will say: "What have you done for the family lately?" The men will think, "What do you think I did all day for the family?" I don't think it's intentional on either side.
You found that in terms of marriage, a man's relationship to his father was more important to the success of a marriage than his relationship to his mother. Why is that?
We tend to think that how a man relates to his mother should give you an idea of how he will treat his wife. But there was no connection between the relationship with his mother and the relationship with his wife. Men don't learn how to be husbands by the relationship with their mothers. Men learn how to be husbands from watching their fathers be husbands and by how they relate to their sons. If you look at men who have been abandoned by their fathers, they often have good relationships with their mothers, but they don't know how to relate to women and their wives.
You also asked men why they had affairs—if they did. What did they say?
Most men admitted that it didn't have much to do with their wives or whether they were getting enough sex. It was mostly due to their own struggle with commitment and the tradeoffs that come with marriage. Most men are able to overcome the tendency to want to be with other women—they fantasize [and] sometimes flirt, but the vast majority don't take the next step—they decided that their relationship was more important than the temporary satisfaction they might get.
What most surprised you most in doing these interviews?
One thing that strikes me was that 60 percent of men said that their wives had changed them in a significant way and 90 percent said that it was a change for the better. I would agree with the statement that you don't go into a relationship expecting to change a man. But, men recognize that marriage is life-changing, and they usually like their wives enough to be changed by her. Men don't want to be criticized or nagged or complained to, they want to be accepted, but once they feel accepted, they are willing to change.
© 2006 Newsweek, Inc.
SECRETS OF REKINDLING ROMANCE AND PASSION IN YOUR MARRIAGE.
John Gray, PhD
Good marriage is based on much more than good sex. But couples who let physical passion drift away lose an essential emotional connection to each other.
Often the feelings of romance and attraction that first drew together a man and woman get lost over time. This is because the couple fails to recognize, appreciate and understand the natural differences between the sexes. This lack of understanding can lead to feelings of rejection... frustration... and, ultimately, to sexual and emotional distance. It is, of course, possible to improve your sex life -- and in all likelihood the quality of your marriage.
SEX AND COMMUNICATION
Both men and women are looking for the same things -- connection, intimacy and love. But the ways they go about meeting these needs are different. For most men, the primary way of connecting is through sex. Women connect primarily through verbal communication. When a woman feels that her need for communication is not being taken seriously by her partner, she begins to lose her enthusiasm for sex. Similarly, if a man's sexual needs are not satisfied, his ability to be expressive in other ways tends to diminish. Fortunately, the opposite is also true. When a woman's communication needs are met, sex becomes more satisfying to her and she can enjoy it freely. When a man's sexual needs are regularly satisfied, he is more open to verbal sharing. When we expect the other person to respond the same way that we would, we get into trouble.
Example: A man comes home from a business trip. Almost immediately, he becomes amorous toward his wife. She says, But you just walked in the door -- we haven't even talked yet. He feels rejected because he doesn't realize that it isn't that she doesn't desire him... rather, she just needs to get in the mood. She feels rejected as well -- as though sex is all that really matters to him, when it's actually his way of wanting to be close to her.
To achieve ongoing intimacy and passion, we need to accept and work with each other's sexual and emotional needs -- rather than criticize them.
WHAT MEN CAN DO
From a woman's point of view, one of the most effective forms of foreplay is talking. If at bedtime a man touches his wife gently on the shoulder and says, Tell me about your day -- and really listens -- he'll be astonished at how sexually responsive she is likely to be when he reaches for her later. When her thoughts and feelings are valued, a woman experiences the trust that can help her be fully open to sexual intimacy.
Paying attention to romantic rituals is another powerful way for a man to rekindle passion. These rituals don't have to be elaborate. They include all the little things that show support and caring... the things that say to a woman that her husband is thinking about her and considering her needs.
Some of these rituals are practically universal and often chivalrous -- bringing flowers, opening the car door for her, offering to carry heavy loads. Many men have no problem making these thoughtful gestures when they're courting, but they stop doing them once the relationship is established.
Just because you've won a woman's affection is no reason to stop doing these things. Remember, considerate actions were part of the reason your wife fell in love with you in the first place. Think of them as a way of saying, I love you...you're special to me. Couples can also develop their own favorite rituals. Again, some of the simplest ones can be the most powerful.
Example: Whenever I come home, the first thing I do is find my wife and give her a hug. And when my wife comes home, I stop whatever I'm doing, find her and give her a hug. This makes her feel deeply valued -- and gives both of us a feeling of connection to each other.
WHAT WOMEN CAN DO
There is nothing inappropriate about a woman asking for more romance if she wants it... but she stands a better chance of having her desires fulfilled if she requests it in a positive way.
Men have a deep-seated need to feel competent and successful. A negative statement such as, You never buy me flowers, will make a man feel as though his wife doesn't recognize or appreciate the things he does do for her. He'll think, Why bother trying?
Better: Say to your husband, On your way home, would you please pick up some flowers? Follow this with genuine appreciation -- These are beautiful. Thank you.
You might think, It isn't romantic if I have to ask. But if you don't ask, how will he know what to do?
Asking gets the ball rolling. By being specific and positive about what you need and expressing appreciation for his efforts, you make it easy for him to succeed -- and to feel successful. That success will motivate him to continue making romantic gestures -- and eventually, he'll think of them on his own.
My wife used to ask me to bring home flowers. Once I even said to her, You're going to the store -- why don't you buy them? She didn't get mad at me for not "getting it"...she was willing to explain the obvious -- It's so much more romantic when you buy them for me.
Now, I usually remember to buy flowers. But when I forget, my wife has a friendly, nonjudgmental way of reminding me -- she sets out empty vases. I get the point... I don't feel criticized... I buy the flowers... and her appreciation makes me keep those romantic gestures coming.
CREATING VARIETY
A major way that men experience intimacy is through a woman's experience of pleasure.
A man wants to feel successful when he is trying to fulfill a woman -- that's how he bonds with her and feels close to her, whether it's in seeing how much pleasure she takes in sex or simply basking in her smile when he comes home.
Just as men often stop making little romantic gestures once the courtship stage has passed, women often stop showing their appreciation for the things a man does for them. This tends to make a man feel taken for granted... and he often withdraws.
Nowhere is this more true than where sex is concerned. Often, women don't realize that when they're too busy for sex or not in the mood, men view this as rejection. If a man feels rejected enough times, he'll begin to lose his attraction for his partner... and he'll stop initiating sex and other kinds of intimacy.
There are also times when a woman may be in the mood for sex but her partner is not.
There's a startlingly simple solution. If you have developed a broad sexual menu, neither of you will ever have to say no to sex -- if you don't want to.
A good sexual relationship includes not just one style of sex, but several. What I call "healthy home-cooked sex" takes about 30 minutes and allows time for the gradual buildup of passion that many women find most satisfying.
"Gourmet sex" -- which might last somewhere between one and two hours -- gives both partners the opportunity to be a little more creative in terms of the romantic stage-setting and their sexual experimentation.
Then there are "quickies," which don't usually take up much time or energy, but can be satisfying.
Caution: A sex life that is made up mostly of quickies will eventually make any woman feel resentful.
On the other hand, women need to recognize men's need to be appreciated sexually. When a man feels he won't be rejected sexually, his attraction for his partner will not only be sustained but will grow over time.
A couple willing to engage in all three sexual styles can make sure that both partners feel cared for.
SAYING WHAT YOU WANT
Communicating about your sexual preferences is a delicate matter. If there are things you would like your partner to do differently in bed, by all means say so -- but make sure you do it in a way that makes your partner feel successful... not criticized.
The best time to talk about sexual needs is not when you're about to have sex, but afterward. And the best way to phrase your request is in positive terms: It felt so good when you... or It might be fun if we tried....
Most people, male and female, are much happier to cooperate if they first get the message that what they've been doing is great... and can keep getting better and better.
Bottom Line/Personal interviewed John Gray, PhD, one of the nation's foremost relationship experts. He is author of several best-selling books, including Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, and, most recently, Mars and Venus in the Bedroom. Both are published by HarperCollins.
IN THE MEDIA
Online Videos
- from YouTube.com.
- CLICK HERE to see what happens when you THINK she's hot for you.
- CLICK HERE to hear the famous 'Dildo' song.
- CLICK HERE to see a funny French condom commercial.
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