REDEFINING FOREPLAY: A MAN'S GUIDE
Written By: C. Michael Smith
(Erotic Examples by Jenne)
• Discover the highest ranked reason women do not reach orgasm during sex with their partner.
• Learn how it is possible to make love with your lady all day long, even when you are apart.
• Find out what part of your relationship women want you to pay more attention to.
• Discover a general rule of thumb for how long foreplay should last.
• Learn how to give your lady a 92.3% chance at orgasm.
• Find out how long most of us spend in foreplay.
• Discover why linear foreplay is inefficient.
• Learn why non-linear foreplay is better.
• Find out about the 5 types of foreplay.
It is time to redefine foreplay!
When you think of foreplay, what do you think of? What is foreplay?
Before we talk about what foreplay is, let’s talk about what it isn’t. Foreplay isn’t just telling your lady to brace herself. Foreplay isn’t just what you do for the 2 minutes right before sex. It isn’t just for special occasions. Foreplay is none of these things.
So what is foreplay?
Foreplay is a crucial part of the sexual act. Done correctly, foreplay
prepares the body for sex, it prepares the mind for sex, it builds
anticipation, desire, intrigue, and excitement, it intensifies a sexual
session, it makes sex more comfortable and more enjoyable, it helps to
solidify your relationship, it increases intimacy, it lets your lady know
you care about her, it increases the chance for more frequent and more
passionate sex, and it increases the chance for orgasm. Heck, foreplay even
helps to burn up calories, burning around 7.5 calories every 5 minutes or
so.
"Foreplay is very, very important. I'm just not all that interested in sex
without it. It's what really turns me on and makes me horny. It's a
requirement for me having an orgasm, and deepens our emotional connection
too." Kayleigh, 19
So what do I mean by redefining foreplay, anyway?
I think we need to change the way we look at, think about, understand, and execute foreplay. We can do this by:
1) Realizing why foreplay is so important.
2) Learning that foreplay doesn’t always have to lead to intercourse.
3) Learning the difference between linear and non-linear foreplay.
4) Learning the importance and benefits of prolonged foreplay.
5) Examining and understanding the different types of foreplay.
Why is foreplay so important?
Most women need it. The way I see it, foreplay isn’t optional. It isn’t a
luxury to indulge in only when you have enough time – especially when you
plan to engage in intercourse. The woman needs time for her vagina to
prepare itself for penetration and she needs time to get in the right frame
of mind to make the sex better for both of you. Give her the time to
prepare, and she will enjoy the experience on a higher level – and so will
you, guys. Instead of diving right for her crotch, spend some time kissing
her, touching her, and talking to her. This will help build anticipation and
desire.
Most women prefer it. I think most women prefer sexual encounters that
connect their body, their hearts, and their mind. Women want men to connect
to their whole being, not just their vaginas. Their genitals are wired to
their hearts and their mind. Make love with her heart and mind first. Reach
in and touch her on the inside before you touch her on the outside. I think
your lovemaking will reach new depths when you learn to (and take the time
to) penetrate the whole woman, instead of just her vagina.
In one survey, women were asked, “What part of your relationship would you
want your partner to pay more attention to?” More than 65% of these women
answered foreplay and only 4 percent said orgasm.
It shows your lady that you care about her pleasure, too, and not just your
own. Not enough foreplay makes it seem like you don’t care about pleasing
her and only care about your own pleasure. Show her that you are a man who
not only knows how to, but desires to please his lady.
”If my partner always wanted a “wham, bam, to hell with you ma'am” kind of
sex (it certainly couldn't be classed as "love making" IMHO) I would feel
that he was using me and I'd refuse to do it. The way I look at it---if we
don't have time for foreplay, we don't have time for sex. We can just put it
off until time is of no consequence.” Guin, 60
In one study, over 700 nurses reported that lack of foreplay is the highest
ranked reason for ladies not reaching orgasm. You really care about your
lady’s pleasure, don’t you? While many experts claim that we don’t “give”
ladies an orgasm, we can sure help give her what she needs in the form of
foreplay to help encourage her orgasm.
Foreplay Doesn't Have To Lead To Intercourse
The name practically suggests that FOREplay must always be a preliminary to
other activities, such as intercourse. I believe it would become a little
boring and predictable if foreplay lead to intercourse every time. Foreplay
can stand alone. It’s a pleasurable activity in itself.
In the beginning of a relationship, couples tend to spend lots of time in
foreplay. In fact, they usually tend to spend more time on foreplay than
they do on intercourse. Once we’ve been in the relationship for awhile,
having sex can easily become a pattern of hurried foreplay so we can get to
the intercourse quicker. The pleasures of foreplay – the touching, the
kissing, the caressing, and the holding are quickly forgotten.
Try having a night of just oral sex or other activities with no intercourse.
Have you ever done this before? Leaving intercourse out of sex can be a new
experience. For most couples, making love has always included intercourse.
Not engaging in intercourse allows you to explore a fuller range of sexual
possibilities and pleasures that can be overlooked in the rush to get to
intercourse and orgasm. This pattern of foreplay always having to lead to
intercourse is destructive because you tend to become focused on where you
are going rather than the pleasure of the moment of being where you are
right now.
Linear -vs- Non-Linear Foreplay
Most of us engage in linear foreplay and lovemaking. First you kiss, then
you undress, then you play with her breasts, then you play with her vulva,
then you have intercourse, then the sex is over. That’s linear foreplay –
and linear foreplay is boring, predictable, and inefficient. It doesn’t
create the highest levels of mental and physical readiness. It doesn’t
promote anticipation and desire. It doesn’t lead to the greatest sex. Great
sex isn’t linear – and neither is great foreplay. Great foreplay and great
sex have an element of unpredictability to them. The following illustrates
the predictability an inefficiency of linear foreplay:
Anne watched as Dave climbed into bed, the very look on his face telling her
what he had in mind and sure enough it wasn't long before he was laid beside
her, his hand across her chest, groping to find her right breast. Silently
she sighed wishing that he would change his MO and yet knowing that he
probably never would. With the predictability of a drill sergeant his hand
traveled between her thighs as he rolled her over and kissed her neck. His
finger tips soon discovered her clitoris as his free hand pushed hers
downwards until she reached his dick. She knew all to well was expected of
her now and she duly performed duty, gently tugging him just the way he
liked it, knowing it wouldn't be long before the inevitable would happen.
Sure enough on cue Dave rolled over and entered her. A few short thrusts
later she felt the familiar tension in him as she began to orgasm. Two short
grunts later and it was all over. Silently Anne sighed the same sigh that
she did almost every time nowadays and thought back to the days when they
had dated. Wondering just where those days had gone before falling asleep.
In non-linear foreplay, you may have intercourse for awhile, then decide to
go back to oral sex for a bit, then on to more intercourse. Non-linear
foreplay is unpredictable. It isn’t rigid. There are no steadfast rules. It
doesn’t require you to stay within the lines or perform certain activities
in a certain order. It encourages and permits you to be creative. Non-linear
foreplay also raises your oxytocin levels more than linear foreplay does.
Oxytocin, nicknamed the “cuddling hormone”, is released in the brain and
brings about feelings of closeness and bonding. The following is a great
example of non-linear foreplay, and of how foreplay in general should really
be performed to get the most out of your sex life.
The paper fell from Anne's lunchbox like confetti, and as she scrambled
around her office floor to pick up the small pieces, she noticed the writing
on them. Each miniature piece of paper contained a note from Dave. She sat
on the floor and read each and every one, enthralled that he had even
bothered to think of her. Each separate piece of paper had some symbol of
love on it. She reached down and grabbed her sandwich. As she unwrapped
the wrap that held it, another piece of paper fell; this one was much larger
than the others and simply said, "Be home early tonight. I'll pick the kids
up!"
She giggled like an excited schoolgirl as she bit into her sandwich. This
was so like Dave, ever thoughtful and forever surprising her. The next three
hours seemed like an eternity, and the commute home was sheer agony. As she
opened the front door, she wasn't met by the usual cavalry of kids charging
toward her, demanding dinner, homework, or a bedtime story. The only thing
that greeted her ears tonight was the sultry tones of Frank Sinatra, and the
soft, evocative smell of strawberries lingered in the air.
She stood in the small hallway, allowing the sounds and smells to sink in
for a minute before she noticed the note that was attached to the stairs.
Moving forward, she read it. "SHOWER'S HOT!" it proclaimed in bright red
letters and was signed with a heart. Her own heart skipped a beat as she
climbed the stairs, entering the small bathroom at the top, not sure what to
expect next. The heat of the steam hit her first, slowly warming her body as
she removed her clothing and stepped into the steaming hot shower cubicle.
She heard the stairs creak and turned in time to see Dave enter the small
room before he placed a kiss on her lips, not allowing her to utter a sound.
He drew away again ushering her to be quiet as he dropped the bathrobe that
enveloped his body and climbed into the shower stall behind her. She felt
his hands on her scalp as he began to wash her hair, the lather spilling
down her body, as he pressed his body into her back. His hand caressed her
breasts slowly, lingering for a moment before moving on, each touch
delicious and yet never quite enough. It wasn't long before the grime and
worries of the day left her and she was surrounded by nothing but the water
and his caresses on her body. He reached forward and turned off the shower
before beckoning her to come out, picking up a white, fluffy towel and
drying every inch of her before wrapping her in her favorite bathrobe and
leading her back down the stairs and into the living room.
Anne's face beamed with delight as she entered the sanctity of their living
room. It looked so different in the soft, warm glow of the candlelight. The
whole room looked far more inviting that it ever had before. She looked at
Dave and wondered what else he had planned for that evening as he moved
toward her, his arms outstretched, inviting her to dance.
As she sank into his chest, they twirled around the floor, lost for that
moment in the music. Her heart jumped as Dave slowly cupped her face in his
large rugged hands and began to gently kiss her forehead. For what seemed
like an eternity, he kissed every inch of her face, a small peck landing on
her eyelid as she bathed in the sensations of calmness before his lips
touched hers. She met his lips with vigor, as if someone had lit a
smoldering fire beneath her. Slowly he disentangled himself from her caress
and led her by the hand to the couch before picking up the remote and
flicking on an R-rated movie that they had watched many times when they were
dating. She was somewhat surprised to find that he still had it after all
these years.
The effect of the movie as they lay in each others arms was electrifying.
Anne could feel the wetness creeping onto her thighs and the hardness of
Dave’s erection as they began to kiss once more. It wasn’t long before the
movie was forgotten altogether and all that mattered was that moment. As
Dave slipped from the couch and knelt before Anne, she saw the longing
admiring look on his face and recognized the love in his eyes as they
studied her body. She reached down and began to undress slowly, teasing the
belt from her robe, allowing Dave to reach forward and gently push it open
so her naked body was exposed. Slowly his hand traveled over her thighs,
caressing each one, first with his hands and then with his face and mouth,
before he reached for a strawberry. Now he caressed her thighs again, this
time dragging the strawberry seductively over her body. His tongue covered
her body inch by delicious inch until she felt she could stand it no more.
She wanted and needed more now. She needed to feel his naked chest against
hers, to crush his body as he had just crushed the cold, ripe strawberry
against her nipple, making it stand to attention and ready for the warmth of
his tongue.
She reached down and dragged his bathrobe from him, desperate to feel his
flesh against hers. She reveled as he once again caressed her, this time
flesh on flesh, her hands gently massaging his back, his buttocks, and
feeling every inch she could reach. Again he teased her, this time taking
the strawberry and running it over her thighs before licking its juice from
them, always just missing the parts that ached to feel his tongue, never
quite getting there, adding fuel to the fire that was smoldering inside her
until she felt she could take no more. She all but thrust herself onto his
face and whimpered with delight at the first contact his tongue made with
her soft, sensitive, fleshy parts. As he worked his tongue feverently, his
hands caressed her heaving breasts, producing sensations that simply washed
over her. Her body tensed and she came in a rush, the fire igniting and
tearing through her body until she could stand no more of his tongue; now
she wanted more, much more.
She pulled him upward, feeling the hardness of his erection as she basked in
the aftermath of her own orgasm and beckoned him to enter her. Slowly,
rhythmically, he made love to her; the music washed over her, as did another
wave of orgasm, and she felt him grow near to his own orgasm, his body
tensing, waiting for release inside hers.
Instead he pulled out of her. She sighed with disappointment until his
tongue reached down between her thighs once more, stopping her sigh
midstream. Again he teased and pleased her with his oral skills until once
more she could no longer stand it. This time she pushed him to the floor,
her need so great that she cared about nothing else as she sat atop him, her
breasts swinging as she mounted and rode him like the stallion he was. This
time he succumbed as she leant over and kissed him passionately.
As she collapsed into his body, Dave whispered to her, “Maybe we should do
this more often?”
Anne smiled and simply nuzzled against him, her quivering body answering his
question.
Do you see the difference in the linear foreplay example and the non-linear
example? Which one would your lady prefer? Which one does she deserve?
The Importance And Benefits Of Prolonged Foreplay
One of the biggest complaints from ladies is that their men don’t spend
enough time on foreplay before sex. One of the biggest complaints from men
is that their ladies don’t want to have sex nearly often enough. What we
need to understand as men is why lots of foreplay is so important. Through
having a proper understanding and execution of foreplay, you will give your
lady the foreplay that she wants and needs and you will be rewarded with the
more frequent and higher quality sex that you want.
“I love foreplay. The longer, the better. The longer the foreplay, the more
intense the orgasm. " Susan, 19
Foreplay is the fuel your lady needs in order to get the most out of your
lovemaking. The more foreplay you give her, the more turned on she will be
and the more explosive the sex will be for both of you. Most of us don’t
engage in foreplay long enough, or not at all, in some cases. In one study,
couples were asked about the duration of foreplay in their relationship.
They answered as follows:
For 11% of us, foreplay lasts 3 minutes, on average.
For 36% of us, foreplay lasts 4-10 minutes, on average.
For 31% of us, foreplay lasts 11-20 minutes, on average.
For 22% of us, foreplay lasts more than 30 minutes, on average.
Of the groups listed above, who do you think has the better sex life and the
most satisfied lovers? If your lady knows that you will take great care of
her during your lovemaking, she is more likely to want to engage in it more
often. That makes sense, doesn’t it? After all, why would she want to have
sex with you very often if she already knows it will be unfulfilling for
her? So, give her what she wants and needs.
Besides, studies have shown that after 21 minutes or longer of physical
foreplay, 92.3% of women will orgasm at some point during your lovemaking
session.
Examining And Understanding The Different Types Of Foreplay
When most of us think of foreplay, we only think of one kind, physical
foreplay. But, foreplay isn’t just an issue of physical stimulation and
preparedness, but also an issue of emotional, mental, practical, and self
stimulation and preparedness. I would like to assert that there are really 5
types of foreplay – not just one. The way I see it, the 5 types of foreplay
are:
Emotional Foreplay - builds intimacy and strengthens your bond.
Mental Foreplay - builds anticipation and desire.
Practical Foreplay - breaks down common barriers to great sex.
Self-Directed Foreplay - increases self awareness and involvement.
Physical Foreplay - increases physical and mental preparedness and desire.
If a woman has a man who understands and engages in physical foreplay, she
may consider herself lucky. If her man also understands the other 4 types,
she’ll be in heaven! Let’s discuss them in further detail.
Emotional Foreplay
Benefits: Helps to solidify your relationship, increases intimacy, lets your
lady know you care about her, and increases the chance for more frequent and
more passionate sex.
Emotional foreplay is what I like to refer to as making love outside the
bedroom. This type of foreplay happens all the time. It begins when you
choose to pay attention to your lady, to spend time with her, to recognize
her, and to appreciate all that she is and all that she does. I've always
thought that the better you learn to make love to your lady outside the
bedroom, the better she will make love to you inside the bedroom. Engaging
in emotional foreplay will also put her in a better mood, make her less
anxious, more fun to be with, easier to get along with, and put her “in the
mood” more frequently. A lady’s heart is a great erogenous zone. When you
learn how to fill her heart with love, it will spill over into the rest of
her body and she will reward you with more frequent and more passionate sex
as a natural response to the strong foundation of sincere affection that you
have given her. Making love outside the bedroom can make your girlfriend
your wife or make your wife your girlfriend.
Here are a few ways you can engage in emotional foreplay:
Call your lady during the day. Tell her that you were just thinking about
her and wanted to tell her that you love her. This only takes 60 seconds and
it’s a great way to maintain your connection.
After the workday is over, greet each other with a big hug and kiss. Spend
some time discussing your day, even if it’s only a few minutes. When you
talk to her, really listen to what she has to say. Be there with her 100% in
the moment. You can’t do this while you watch the evening news at the same
time. Look into her eyes and hold her. Ask how she is doing and be sure to
share what’s going on with you, too. Reassure her, comfort her, and listen
to her. Usually women don’t want us to solve all their problems. They just
want to share with us and want us to listen and sympathize. Tell her that
you love her and let her know that you are her biggest fan.
Do you ever touch your lady outside the bedroom? One of the biggest mistakes
you can make is to only touch you lady when you want sex. She will pick up
on this and likely start to resent you for it. Instead, be sure to touch her
often in a non-sexual way. For instance, while she is cooking or brushing
her teeth in the mirror, go up behind her and give her a big hug. Or, if she
is working on the computer or reading a book, go up behind her and give her
a small kiss on the neck or a backrub. Pay attention. There are many
opportunities throughout your day together to do this for her. She will
appreciate your attention and affection.
Tell her what you appreciate about her, what you admire about her, why you
are proud of her, or what you love about her.
Compliment your lady. Especially compliment her on her shoes, hair, clothes,
and perfume. Compliment her to others, also.
Build her up to others in her presence. Brag on her a little bit. Tell
others how wonderful you think she is.
Mental Foreplay
Benefits: Prepares the mind for sex, builds anticipation, desire, intrigue,
and excitement, and intensifies a sexual session.
How long does it take to have sex? 10 minutes for a quickie? 20-30 minutes
for an average session? 45-60 minutes for a longer session? A man who
masters the art of mental foreplay makes love to his lady all day long.
Hardly a moment will go by where she doesn’t think about you during the day,
desiring you, and imagining what it will be like to be with you later.
Mental foreplay is the seductive form of foreplay. It involves placing the
idea of great sex in the mind of your partner, often hours before physical
sexual activity, thus building anticipation, desire, and intrigue in your
partner’s mind for what’s to come later. Anticipation is a very powerful
sexual tool – one of the most powerful, in fact. Learn to harness it. Use it
to your advantage. Anticipation creates desire in your partner.
Here are a few ways you can engage in mental (or seductive) foreplay:
Touch your lady in the kitchen when you two have friends over in the other
room and she can’t do anything about it right away.
Create anticipation and desire by touching her genitals through her clothing
(if she would be ok with that), or whispering something naughty in her ear,
and then walking back into the other room with your friends. See how long it
takes your lady to throw your friends out.
Engage in some dirty talk or some discreet touching while you are at a
restaurant or movie theatre – somewhere where you won’t be able to go all
the way and get sexual satisfaction. This will allow the erotic tension to
build until you get home later where you’ll have privacy.
Leave your lady a sexy love note telling her what you want to do with her
when you get home later that evening. She’ll have all day to think about it.
Call your lady from work and engage in a little dirty talk. Tell her how
badly you wish you could be making love with her right now. Tell her you
can’t wait to see her later to finish what you started.
Nowadays, almost everyone has access to a cellular phone, pager, or email. A
lot of these phones and pagers are capable of handling instant text
messages. Send your lover a series of 5-10 messages telling them how much
you want them. Wait 15 minutes or so between messages. This will create
anticipation and desire. Always end each message leaving them wanting more.
Remember, anticipation is a very powerful tool. Here is an example of the
first few messages you could leave. Use your imagination for the remaining
messages and be careful to send the messages during a time when they will
not inconvenience your partner (during an important business meeting, etc…).
MESSAGE 1: “My hands are on your face to kiss you. My hands travel along
your neck, shoulders, arms, and waist. I pull you close to me, kissing...
(more later).”
MESSAGE 2: “Still kissing you, I slowly lower myself to my knees, kissing
your lips, chin, neck, chest, and stomach. My hands are on your butt. Now,
on my knees, I begin to undo your pants…(more later)”
Practical Foreplay
Benefits: Prepares the mind for sex, helps to solidify your relationship,
increases intimacy, lets your lady know you care about her, and increases
the chance for more frequent and more passionate sex.
There’s a practical side to foreplay and getting her in the mood. When she
walks in the door, she’s probably thinking about what all she has to do that
evening: help the kids with homework, pick up around the house, start
supper, do a load of laundry, run a bath for the kids and put them to bed,
etc… Guys, you should try to remove this burden from her, get rid of all of
the distractions, and meet her pressing needs. If her mind is clear and she
has very little to worry about or take care of, then she will be a lot more
open to being romanced or seduced. If you don’t do these things and your
lady has a lot on her mind, then all you’re going to get, at best, is an
accommodating partner – never an eager one. That’s not exactly the recipe
for mind-blowing sex.
Here are a few ways you can engage in practical foreplay:
• Help her with the children.
• Don’t be a pig. Pick up after yourself.
• Help out around the house, if she normally does the housework.
• If she regularly prepares supper, do you ever ask her if she needs help?
• If she is the one that normally does the dishes, do you regularly do them
instead?
• Surprise her by feeding the cat even though she normally does it.
• Surprise her by taking out the trash before she has to ask you.
• Surprise her by going grocery shopping before she has the chance to go
herself.
• Learn to ask this question often: “Is there anything I can do to help you?”
When is the last time you said that to your lady? I say it nearly everyday.
You get the idea!
Self-Directed Foreplay
Benefits: Prepares the mind for sex, builds anticipation and desire, and
increases the chance for orgasm.
Your lady controls this type of foreplay. Does she like to take a long bath,
light candles, or get dressed up in sexy lingerie before making love? Many
women do this for their men, but some do it for themselves, also, to help
them get in the right frame of mind for some great lovemaking. It’s foreplay
for herself. If your lady does this, then give her the time she needs to
perform her pre-sex rituals. Don’t rush her, don’t complain, and don’t ask
what’s taking so long. This will help ensure that she is in the right
mindset for a sexy encounter.
Physical Foreplay
Benefits: Prepares the body for sex, prepares the mind for sex, builds
anticipation, desire, intrigue, and excitement, intensifies a sexual
session, makes sex more comfortable and more enjoyable, increases intimacy,
lets your lady know you care about her, increases the chance for more
frequent and more passionate sex, increases the chance for orgasm, and burns
up calories.
This is the kind of foreplay that most of us are familiar with. This is the
type of foreplay that usually takes place immediately prior to lovemaking.
Physical foreplay often includes such activities as: undressing, kissing,
talking, touching, stroking, caressing, holding, oral sex, manual sex,
massages, back rubs, foot rubs, body painting, tickling, pinching, nibbling,
hugging, licking, fondling, dancing, talking sexy, and other similar
activities.
Physical foreplay is not about pressing the right buttons in the correct
order. There’s no such thing as the perfect way to experience foreplay.
Foreplay (like the rest of sex) doesn’t work that way. It is subjective. It
depends on the people and all of the factors involved. You have to learn
what YOUR LADY likes and how she likes to be pleasured. Real sexual know-how
isn’t about how many techniques you can name, how many partners you’ve had,
or how many positions you have tried. Real sexual know-how is all about
knowing what makes YOUR LADY tick, sexually. All of the knowledge,
techniques, and positions in the world don’t matter if they aren’t ones that
YOUR LADY would like. Great sex (and foreplay) is all about learning how to
love YOUR LADY the way she wants to be loved. So, find out how she likes to
be stimulated during foreplay and do it that way.
The important thing to remember about physical foreplay is to take your
time. Be attentive and don’t rush. There is no such thing as spending too
much time on foreplay, but there is such a thing as spending too little time
on it. If you plan to engage in intercourse, unless the passion is so strong
that you find yourself ripping your clothes off for a quickie, a general
rule of thumb is to saturate your lady with foreplay until she verbally
asks, physically asks, insists, or begs you to make love with her. When you
plan to engage in intercourse, the idea is to spend enough time on foreplay
so that both partners are aching for more and can barely contain themselves
any longer. Intercourse can be very intense, especially if you have the
proper buildup, first, so get comfortable and plan to spend some serious
time on physical foreplay.
Conclusion
As we have learned, the best foreplay takes many forms, and it begins long
before you ever get into the bedroom. It is always present, anytime you are
together with your lady, not just in the bedroom, right before you have sex.
I hope this article has encouraged you to redefine the way you think about
foreplay. Try implementing this new information into your relationship. I am
willing to bet that it will make a positive difference and you will have one
happy lady. And remember, if your lady is satisfied with her sexual
experiences with you, she will usually make sure that you are satisfied as
well.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Anal-sex talk still makes people blush. But it’s also increasingly popular in the hetero world.
By: Em & Lo
Every couple of years, another once-scandalous sex taboo starts making its way toward the commonplace. A decade ago, blow jobs were what people whispered about; then three-ways became the naughty bedroom act. Now, it’s anal sex—but according to the Centers for Disease Control’s National Survey of Family Growth, it’s rapidly becoming a regular feature of hetero couples’ horizontal activities.
The survey, released last year, showed that 38.2 percent of men between 20 and 39 and 32.6 percent of women ages 18 to 44 engage in heterosexual anal sex. Compare that with the CDC’s 1992 National Health and Social Life survey, which found that only 25.6 percent of men 18 to 59 and 20.4 percent of women 18 to 59 indulged in it.
Anecdotal research also demonstrates curiosity is on the rise. Babeland’s anal-sex workshops are now held three or four times a year, instead of once, and they’re filled with straight couples. “More and more, people are devoting themselves to learning about anal pleasure,” says Carolyn Riccardi, education coordinator for Babeland’s New York retail stores. “Male-to-female anal sex has been happening since the dawn of time,” she says. “What’s different now is that women are actively learning how to enjoy it and have fun with it.”
“I first did it with my husband,” says Lisa, a recently divorced thirty something from across the Hudson. “It was a regular part of our married sex life, and I enjoyed it. I think it can feel good for anyone—except if you’re too uptight about it, meaning, you’re literally tight-assed.”
Ah, yes, the anal-sex dilemma: If you think it’s going to hurt, it will. Relaxation isn’t the only requirement for a good experience: Too much aggression (and no lube) can put a woman off anal sex permanently.
And not all guys are anal enthusiasts, either. Jim, a 27-year-old consultant, has been given the opportunity by willing partners but hasn’t taken the plunge. He agrees that it seems to be on the rise among his friends but wonders whether it’s “really a cultural shift or just something we ease into semi-contemporaneously as we age, like marriage or buying real estate or listening to jazz rap.”
The idea that anal is something couples eventually turn to for sexual variety seems to be supported by the CDC survey, which shows the lowest numbers among those who’ve never been married and are not cohabiting, compared with those who are cohabiting, married, or divorced.
“For me, anal sex is very intimate, much more so than regular sex. If I care about someone, I’m willing to experiment,” says Irene, a 33-year-old East Village environmentalist who has been doing it with Lex, a 30-year-old Wall Streeter. But when we press Lex on whether he likes to receive anal attention from his girlfriends, he responds, “Call me old-fashioned, but the guy should be the penetrator, not the penetratee, no?”
It’s an attitude still widely held by many straight men today, and one that’s reflected in the CDC survey: Though the report is chock-full of all kinds of straight, gay, and lesbian sex in fairly graphic detail, there’s absolutely no research on female-to-male anal play. It turns out that the straight-male fear of reciprocal anal play is a potent mix of sexism and homophobia; a straight man can do it to someone else, but having it done to him isn’t okay.
But the newly discovered anti-cancer benefits of prostate stimulation are giving straight guys—especially the progressive New York breed—a legitimate excuse to be more, shall we say, open to exploration. And men’s magazines, which until recently discussed anal sex only in terms of how to trick a girlfriend into giving it up, now publish articles on the Aneros—the doctor-created, FDA-approved prostate stimulator—and the male G-spot, a.k.a. the P-spot, a.k.a. the He-spot.
“Straight guys come in looking for the Aneros,” says Riccardi, “but once they get all their questions answered, they’ll walk out with something more fun and less medical for themselves. Or their girlfriends will come in looking for ways they can be the penetrator, too.” When Riccardi first started working at Babeland three years ago, she would gently ask straight female customers if they’d ever tried sticking a finger up their boyfriend’s or husband’s bum, and they’d shoot her looks of horror. “Now when I ask them that question, they almost all say, ‘Oh, sure.’” The store’s strap-on sales have never been higher.
“My wife is totally turned on by the idea of ‘having’ me, as that’s just not something women really get to do most of the time, and it’s not something that guys have usually had done to them. It really is a reversal in the most primal of ways,” explains newlywed Brooklynite Anthony. “I think anyone who doesn’t enjoy it or thinks they wouldn’t is hindered by their own hang-ups. It feels good, period. And breaking taboos is sexy. Variety is sexy. Being vulnerable is sexy.”
ILLUSTRATION OF THE INTERNAL MALE ANATOMY
ILLUSTRATION OF THE INTERNAL FEMALE ANATOMY
ILLUSTRATION OF THE FEMALE EXTERNAL GENITALIA
FOREPLAY - THE KEY TO BETTER ORGASMS
Marie Clare (source: ezinearticles.com)
Guys are you confused, clumsy, and don't know what to do when it comes to Foreplay? Does your heart drop and you hesitate at the mere mention of the word Foreplay? If so, then it's time for a lesson in Foreplay!
As many of you have probably found out, most women consider "Foreplay" a very important part of sex. And there is very good reason for this. Our bodies don't react sexually as fast as yours does. We need some warm up time to get into the mood. While each woman is different as far as how much foreplay she requires before she is sexually aroused, studies have found that most women all like the same type of foreplay. So based on that theory, and some of my own experiences as well.
Hugging. This is a great way to start off your sexual romp. Most women love to be hugged. To be held tight by their lover. This gives us a protective feeling and tells us you want to be close to us. It's easy to do, just start by holding your lover close and pressing her body against yours. While hugging her lightly kiss her neck and shoulders.
Petting. While lying down run your hands lightly and softly up and down, exploring the peek and valleys of her body. Some women love to have this done to their neck, shoulders and back. Others like to have their buttocks gently massaged. And yet others love their breasts softly caressed. This will all depend on where your lover's erogenous zones are. If you're both undressed gently kiss and lick these areas as well. She'll be like putty in your hands, ready to be molded in any way you want.
Kissing. It's important to start off slowly. Just a soft pressing of your mouth against hers. No tongue to start. After a few of these kisses slowly start to push your tongue out just a little bit, hopefully enticing her to open her mouth. As her mouth opens gently slide your tongue in a little further. Then press your lips against hers a bit harder and with a bit more passion. From there move to kissing other parts of her body as well.
By this point your lover should be really turned on. If you both still have your clothes on it's time to start removing them - slowly. Start with her top and bra.
Caressing Her Breasts. Place your hand on her breast. Softly caress it. Use your forefinger and thumb to gently squeeze her nipple. See how erect it is. She is really turned on. Now stop and take a moment to tell her how beautiful she is and how much she is turning you on. Women want to be told this, and now would be the perfect time. Then softly take her nipple into your mouth, run your tongue around its hardness. Use your hand to softly caress her other breast.
What happens next will depend on you and your lover. But, it's now time to explore her vagina. You can gently place your hands between your lover’s legs. If she is still wearing panties gently rub her private area while still kissing her body. Slowly move her panties to the side and gently explore her clitoris. Very lightly rub her clit with your fingers. Or, if you like you could go down on her using your tongue to softly stimulate her clitoris. Either way, that's up to you and your lover.
The important thing to remember about "Foreplay" is that it should be done gradually. Slowly increase the physical and emotional sensitivity. As the arousal mounts you increase the stimulation allowing you and your partner to have the most erotic, love making sessions ever. Remember that "Foreplay is The Key To Better Orgasms".
Happy Foreplay!
Marie Clare Relationship Consultant & Author
DR. SUSAN LOVE'S MEDICAL ADVICE
From the Oprah Winfrey show - Great Women and Their Anti-Aging Secrets
Most women can expect a few gray hairs, some saggy skin and a wrinkle or two as they age, but did you know that some women grow moustaches and go bald? Dr. Susan Love, author of Dr. Susan Love's Menopause and Hormone Book: Making Informed Choices, offers a medical explanation for facial hair, vaginal dryness and more!
Q: Why do some older women have thinning hair on their head, but new hair on their face?
Dr. Susan Love: Just as men lose hair, we also do. It's genetic. … As [women's] hormones go down, we get a little more testosterone and we have more hair on our face and less on our head. I think you can use the same things men do if it gets really bad—Propecia and all that. Maybe we should just transplant the hair from our chin onto our heads!
Q: Why do some women lose their pubic hair as they age?
SL: You lose your pubic hair and you lose your hair under your arms as you get older. The reason biologically that we have that hair is to hold in the scent when we're trying to reproduce. … As you go through menopause, you're not reproductive anymore, but maybe more productive, [so] you don't need that [hair]. The hormones shift.
Q: Why do some postmenopausal women experience vaginal dryness?
SL: Vaginal dryness is also hormonal, and you get it any time you have big shifts in hormones. Not everybody gets it postmenopausally, but a lot of women do. Depending on the degree [of the dryness], you can [use] everything from lubricants to Astroglide. If it's really bad, then you can use local hormones, which work better than systemic hormones. The creams aren't so good because they're absorbed, but there are things like Estring, which is a ring that you put into your vagina—it's sort of like a diaphragm. It releases a small amount of estrogen over three months. … It works great, and it's safer than systemic hormones. Ask your doctor to prescribe it.
MENOPAUSE SYMPTOMS AND SOLUTIONS
Taken from Oprah.com and "The Wisdom of Menopause" by Christiane Northrup, M.D. (Bantam Books)
Women going through perimenopause and menopause may experience many uncomfortable symptoms. Use this chart to find solutions to help ease your discomfort.
Many different treatments are effective, so choose the ones that appeal most to you. Remember, it's very important to check with your doctor before trying any of these remedies!
| SYMPTOM |
SOLUTIONS |
| Hot Flashes |
• Estrogen replacement
• 2% bioidentical progesterone cream.
• Meditation and relaxation.
• Dietary improvements, like eliminating white rice and foods made from white flour from your diet, as well as soda,
alcohol and sweets.
• Add 45–160 mg of soy isoflavones to your daily diet.
• Herbal therapies such as Remifemin or Women's Menocaps, reliable brands found in natural food stores.
• Acupuncture.
|
| Night Sweats |
• Solutions are the same as for hot flashes.
|
| Heart palpitations |
• If you are experiencing these, see your doctor immediately. They could be symptoms of a much more serious condition.
|
| Migraine Headaches |
• Avoid trigger foods like caffeine, alcohol, red wine, chocolate, peanuts and aspartame (found in some diet drinks). If there is no change, try eliminating wheat, sugar, corn and dairy for two weeks.
• Avoid or transform potential stress by keeping a journal of what's going on when your headaches start. You should begin to see a pattern that you can then take steps to change.
• Balance your hormones with a 2% bioidentical progesterone cream, applied to the skin.
• Eat more soy.
• Try herbal remedies like feverfew. and butterbur that have been shown to relieve migraine pain.
• Supplements such as Magnesium and EPA and DHA (fish oil) are also effective at relieving migraine pain.
|
Breast Swelling And
Tenderness |
• Follow a hormone-balancing diet.
• Take 100–200 mg of B vitamins and omega-3 fats such as EPA and DHA once or twice daily.
• Cut out caffeine.
• Use a 2% bioidentical progesterone cream.
• Add whole soy foods to your diet.
|
| Heavy Menstrual Periods |
• Consult your doctor about progesterone or birth control pills.
• Investigate acupuncture and traditional Chinese medicine.
• In severe cases, laser surgery can help. Check with your doctor.
|
| Irregular Or Erratic Periods |
• If you can live with it, hang in there. The problem will go away.
• Talk to your doctor about alternatives such as birth control pills, progesterone cream or the herb chaste berry.
|
| Change In Libido |
• Have your hormonal levels checked.
• Adrenal exhaustion can be helped with supplemental amounts of testosterone or DHEA.
• Have your doctor check for reduced amounts of estrogen or thinning of the vaginal tissue.
• If your sex drive has increased, channel your extra energy into a creative outlet that helps you get the most out of your life.
|
Vaginal Dryness And/Or
Painful Intercourse |
• Try a vaginal lubricant during intercourse.
• Topical estrogen cream, vitamin E suppositories, systemic estrogen therapy, or increased intake of soy can be helpful. Check with your doctor.
|
| Urinary Symptoms |
• Can often be resolved through the use of a locally applied estrogen cream.
• Kegel exercises (contracting and strengthening the muscles of the pelvic floor) can increase blood flow to the area and help with stress incontinence.
|
| Skin Problems |
• A variety of treatments will help build collagen, resurface the skin, and prevent wrinkles. Try systemic hormones, adding soy to your diet, and antioxidant supplements like vitamin C and E.
|
| Bone Loss |
• Get adequate phytohormones from foods such as soy, from herbs, hormone replacement and calcium and magnesium supplements.
• Strengthen your bones by beginning a weight-bearing exercise program.
|
| Insomnia |
• If related to hot flashes, try the solutions listed above.
• If related to anxiety, you may need to make some changes in your life that the anxiety is bringing to your attention.
• You may just need more sleep than you previously did. Try daytime naps to relieve your insomnia.
|
| Fuzzy Thinking |
• Try herbs such as ginkgo and St. John's wort.
• Soy isoflavones or hormones like progesterone or estrogen are also helpful.
|
FELLATIO INTRODUCTION
Taken from SexInfo101.com
Fellatio is oral sex performed on a man. It is a great way to give pleasure; regardless of whether it is for foreplay, after play, or the main event. Like all other sexual skills, they must be learned, so communication is highly recommended. Whether the communication is before, during, or after, it is essential to learn the art. Finding out what he likes will invariably go a long way towards performing mind-blowing oral sex.
Keep in mind, when you are performing oral sex, you are doing this for him. Sending negative vibes about not wanting to or how much of a chore it is will take away from his experience. If you act enthusiastic, chances are it will be over faster, and it will be your turn to receive. If you are really against performing fellatio, explain to your partner why you don’t, and don’t allow him to force you if you are uncomfortable.
Cleanliness is essential with virtually all forms of sexual play; particularly in oral sex where a bad taste or smell will undoubtedly dampen enthusiasm on the part of the giver. A bath or shower is a great primer, and can be the start of the festivities. If you are uncomfortable with a particular smell that your partner may have, suggest taking a shower with you, because you’ve had a busy day and don’t feel clean. You don’t want to point out the smell (unless it is a very common occurrence and can be prevented), as that will only lead to anxieties and take away from the overall experience.
Positioning
Finding an agreeable position for fellatio is usually not a difficult task. Both the man receiving fellatio and the person performing fellatio need to be comfortable. For deep throating, it is wiser to choose a position where the angle of the penis and the angle of your throat are somewhat aligned. For a better look at positions for oral sex, have a look in our sexual position section.
The Basics
Too often oral sex is initiated by sucking on the penis. To achieve a more powerful orgasm, it is better practice to start with some teasing. With the exception of a quickie, fellatio should be started with some well placed teasing. Start by kissing and licking around his penis, on the inner thighs, then on to his testicles, and then slowly up his shaft towards his glans (the head of his penis). Once you get there, use your tongue to tickle him around the glans, and especially on his frenulum, the split on the underside of his penis. At this point, he should be hard as a rock and super-sensitive to everything that you do. You can continue teasing if you like, but we don’t recommend teasing too long, as this can become frustrating for the receiver.
One common problem women performing fellatio make is using only their mouth to repeatedly stroke his penis. They continue doing this until either it works, or they get a sore jaw and neck. A good “blow job” should not be too repetitive, should include stroking using a hand and the exploration of his testicles, thighs and (if you and he like) the anal region. By mixing up your style, you allow your muscles to relax, you can avoid getting a sore neck and you can improve your performance.
How you mix it up should depend on what your partner’s likes. Although there is a lot to say about fellatio that can get the job done in a matter of minutes, it is the longer ones that usually result in more intense orgasms, and coincidently are remembered. (Click here to read about stroking techniques).
It is a good idea to keep an eye on his scrotum (his testicle “sack”), as it is usually a good indicator of how close he is to coming. As a guy gets closer to climax, the skin on his scrotum tightens and pulls his testicles towards his body to warm them up. You can let this happen on its own, or help out by stimulating his testicles with a hand, tongue, or mouth.
More Advanced
Once you get the basics, and are comfortable and experienced with them, there are a lot of options to increase the pleasure. One option is using lubricants on his shaft. This will allow you to stroke faster without causing irritation. There are a wide variety of products that can be used, this includes: flavored lubricants, lubricants that heat up when blown on or rubbed, water based, oil based and many others. On this note, using whipped cream, spreads, and other food can also be incorporated to make the “blow job” more erotic.
Sex toys can add more stimulation. Whether it is a regular vibrator, a vibrating cock ring, or an oral simulator, these toys can greatly intensify the stimulation. These days, there is virtually a sex toy for everything and everyone, so check out our toy store to find a product that is perfect for you.
If your man likes to experiment, we recommend stimulating his prostate gland with your finger or an anal toy to take his orgasms to a whole new world of pleasure. For more information on this, please refer to the anal play article.
Another more difficult to master skill is deep throating. In this, the performer takes the entire penis into the mouth and down the throat - hence the name. In many cases, the sensation is so intense that climax in men comes quickly. As enjoyable as this may be, it takes time to learn to control your gag reflex. You can train your gag reflex by trying to take as much of the penis as you can when performing fellatio. Your partner should restrain from any thrusting during this exercise! With time, you will be able to go deeper and deeper, until finally you’ll be able to take the whole thing.
Ejaculation
Most men find it very erotic to have a partner swallow their semen, but if you really don’t feel comfortable with it, don’t do it. Options include: catching it in your mouth, then spitting it out; using a tissue to catch it; or, just letting it shoot and clean up the mess afterwards. To find out more about semen, we suggest reading our article on male ejaculation.
Many women stop performing fellatio right after their man ejaculates. Instead, you should continue to gently stimulate orally or with your hand for a minute or two longer. After a climax, the penis becomes much more sensitive, so try giving it to him a little longer. Be careful though, some men find this after-play too intense to handle.
Warnings and Suggestions
Very few men like the feeling of teeth on their penis. Teeth can cause discomfort, cuts, and scratches to the skin if you are not careful. This is easily avoided by tucking your lips around your teeth before you take the penis in your mouth.
The use of condoms is highly recommended in the practice of safer sex. If you are not sure of your partner’s sexual history, it is strongly advised that you use a condom while performing any sexual act. If you want something a little more interesting try using a flavored condom and by all means stay away from the lubricated variety (the lubricants used on condoms taste horrible). A good suggestion for anyone using a condom during fellatio is to buy a flavored lubricant to turn a normal latex condom into a tasty condom. The normal rubbery taste of a regular condom can be all but eliminated by unrolling, washing (with mild soap and water), rinsing, drying and re-rolling (if for later use).
CUNNILINGUS TECHNIQUES
Taken from SexInfo101.com
Performing cunnilingus can be one of the most wonderful things you can do for a woman. It makes her feel loved, admired, sexy, and has the potential to give her an exceptional orgasm. Many women prefer it to intercourse, and for those who require a large amount of clitoral stimulation, it is the easiest way to orgasm. Besides, lots of women expect it these days and men who perform great cunnilingus are always appreciated and considered fabulous lovers.
There is little more exciting to a woman than to know that her partner finds her delicious; meaning that you enjoy the taste, smell and feeling of her vaginal juices. At the same time, there is little less exciting to a woman than to think that you don’t like the taste and smell of her most intimate region. If your partner has a smell that is more than you can handle, or she doesn’t feel comfortable with you down there (thinking you won’t like the smell), suggest taking a nice hot shower or bath together. See the Bathing and Showering section for more details on how to make that bathroom experience a whole lot of fun for the both of you.
Before reading further, you may want to get acquainted with this region of her body by reading the erogenous zones section and having a look at the diagrams.
Remember, there is almost nothing you can do that will feel bad (so long as you are gentle), so relax! Any licking and sucking of the labia, vaginal entrance, clitoris, or anal area should feel great to your partner. Also, once you find something that works, don’t stray too far away from it unless you are moving to something that works better, or if you are teasing.
Oral Techniques
The Lick
Leaving your tongue soft and jaw relaxed, try licking her from vaginal entrance up to her clit and following the outer edges of her vagina along both sides. Repeating this technique going up and down and vice versa can be a great opener.
Labial Hold
While holding the two parts together with your lips, run your tongue between the inner and outer labia one side at a time.
Tongue Intercourse
The majority of a woman’s nerve endings in her vagina are around the opening and within the first couple of inches inside. Target them with your tongue by inserting it into her vaginal opening. Techniques are pretty limited due to the length of your tongue, but try moving your tongue in and out, as well as in circles around the inside of her opening.
The Flick
Spread her outer vaginal lips with your fingers. With your tongue pointed, gently flick your tongue around her clitoris. Feel free to roam, but keep coming back to her clitoris, as it is the most sensitive. This drives some women wild, and others find it to too intense. When stimulating her clit make sure to start out gently if you aren’t sure how she likes it. When you try this, pay attention to whether those moans are ecstasy or pain.
The following techniques should not be introduced until your partner is really hot (i.e., very wet). These are more intense techniques, and may be too intense for some women, even when nearing orgasm.
The Clitoris Suck
Expose her clitoris by spreading her lips and lightly pull back her hood. With her clitoris exposed, give it a quick little suck; pulling it into your mouth briefly and letting it go. This is a lot like licking a bit of cake batter off of your pinky. This feels incredible, and is a fine thing to do if you feel like tormenting her – but don’t overdo it! We recommend not using your teeth nor using heavy suction when starting out.
The Clitoris Hold
Take her exposed clit into your mouth and gently suck on it, simultaneously flicking your tongue over and around it. This can be done very lightly or very aggressively, and combined with fingering, will usually rapidly produce an intense orgasm.
The Tongue Tube
Roll your tongue into a tube (if you cannot do this, forget about it because it is genetic and you can't learn it). This technique works best in an inverted or 69 position. Roll your tongue into a tube around her clitoris. Slide it back-and-forth; in effect, your tongue is doing something similar to a woman's vagina around a man's penis. This is likely to bring any woman over the edge to an explosive orgasm.
ABC’s
Try using your tongue to spell the alphabet on her genitals. This works surprisingly well as your tongue is always moving in different directions. Learn her favorite letters and the orders that work the best!
Other Tips
A good lover’s hands never stop moving, so keep exploring, insert a finger, or massage her thighs while you perform.
You can also try using a wide variety of flavored gels, oils, and lubricants. Some of these products heat up when rubbed or blown to add extra stimulation.
Having a mint in your mouth while you are performing cunnilingus can also improve your results. The mint, as long as it is not too weak or strong, can create a very intense tingling sensation to enhance your performance.
Exercises
To be able to perform for extended periods of time, there are a number of exercises that can be used to strengthen the muscles in your mouth. Here are a few tongue exercises and positions for performing cunnilingus:
Exercise 1:
Stick your tongue as far out of your mouth as possible, and then try to touch your nose. Once you are in this position, hold the same muscle groups still and begin moving your tongue around. Practice in sets, moving the tongue clockwise, counterclockwise, and up and down.
Exercise 2:
With a loose jaw, point your tongue while simultaneously trying to keep your tongue in constant contact with the top and bottom your mouth. Once you are in this position, practice moving your tongue in and out of your mouth. For the more advanced student, try keeping your mouth closed and circling your tongue around inside of it, while of course, maintaining position. An extension to the advanced exercise is trying to dissolve a lifesaver held in your teeth from the inside out.
Exercise 3:
Stick your tongue straight out of your mouth, trying to keep your tongue flat and relaxed. Slowly, while holding the position, practice curling the wide tip of the tongue upward, downward and side-to-side. Practice in five sets of ten, holding each move for 2 seconds.
Exercise 4:
Keep your tongue relaxed and open your mouth. Move your tongue in and out of your mouth forwards and in both directions. Practice in five sets of twenty.
SEXUAL DISORDERS
Taken from SexInfo101.com
In this day and age sexual dysfunctions can be one of the hardest things for people to face and even more importantly address. Whatever you reason, or whatever your symptoms are anything that makes sex not enjoyable, or even impossible all together, is solvable and treatable. It can be as simple as being directed towards the right kind of therapy, or even just identifying what you are dealing with that can solve the problem, but it can also be as serious something physiological or deeply mental. Regardless of what you are suffering we understand how devastating it can be and how important access to good information can be.
We recognize that in the midst of what has become a new sexual liberation, we have become shackled ourselves to conceptions about sex and about our own sexuality. Men and women, alike, have found themselves being consumed with sex’s new openness and thus have become increasingly worried about their own performance and sexual expertise. This level of sexual anxiety has resulted in a whole new set of psychological and medical problems, all related to sex, and in fact the problem has become so big that a whole new medical industry has arisen. A huge number of people suffering from these problems are forced by embarrassment and confusion to suffer in silence. We would like to change that.
Erectile Dysfunction
Sexual Dysfunction can be caused by a number of causes, though many are rooted in bad sexual experiences. In light of this fact most of our job at Sexinfo101 is to provide the information necessary for healthy decisions and positive experiences with regard to our sexual lives. The most important thing that we can offer to everyone out there, is take your sexuality seriously and if you are experiencing something which makes sex painful, sad, or even unpleasant, don’t wait and keep forcing yourself to do something you dislike, get help.
Erectile dysfunction affects millions of men. The term "impotence" has traditionally been used to signify the inability of the male to attain and maintain erection of the penis sufficient to permit satisfactory sexual intercourse. However, this term has been superseded by the more precise term "erectile dysfunction", which is used to denote the inability of the male to achieve an erect penis as part of the overall multifaceted process of male sexual function; hence, impotence is a part of erectile dysfunction. For simplification, we will use the term “impotence” as though it were synonymous with erectile dysfunction.
There are two types of impotence: total and partial. Total impotence is where the man is unable to achieve an erection during any sexual activity. This is generally the result of damage to the sex organs by traumatic events at an early age. Partial impotence is where the man may have success infrequently, or may only achieve a partial erection, or may only be impotent in certain circumstances.
There is enormous pressure on a man to "perform" during sexual intimacy, and the impotent male feels as if he is a failure. A vicious cycle can be produced, since psychological stress will prevent an adequate erection, which in turn creates a great deal of anxiety. It is important to know that men suffer from transient episodes of impotence at some point in their lives. This is normal. Unless the impotence is chronic, there is no need to seek treatment for it.
Impotence is not a disease in itself, but the result of some other malady. Men suffering from impotence can be separated into one of four groups: physical, psychological, physical & psychological, and unknown.
Physical Factors
This form develops gradually over time and is strictly the cause of problems with how your body is functioning or chemicals you are ingesting. A normal erection requires the co-ordination of many events. If the nerves to the penis are disrupted, a man cannot start an erection. If there is not enough blood flowing to the penis, it will not be rigid. If blood leaves the penis too rapidly, the erection cannot be maintained.
Some physical conditions associated with impotence are:
1.Heart disease
2.Vascular diseases
3.Diabetes
4.Multiple sclerosis
5.Alcoholism
6.Smoking
7.Abdominal surgery
8.Spinal cord or nerve damage
9.Low hormone levels
10.A side effect of some prescription drugs, narcotics, and sedatives
Psychological Factors
Psychological impotence has a very sudden onset and is the result of mental conditions where the man is unable to concentrate on sexual activities. Some things that can lead to this form of dysfunction are:
1.Excessive stress concerning finances, work, life
2.Relationship woes
3.Depression
4.Anxiety about perceived inadequate sexual performance
5.Psychiatric conditions
Physical & Psychological Factors
Just like it sounds, the man fitting into this category is suffering from both physical and psychological causes of erectile failure.
Unknown
In the vast majority of cases, there is a physical cause to impotence. Only a small percentage of men suffer psychological impotence, and in even fewer cases, the cause cannot be determined.
Treatment
Erectile dysfunction can be treated successfully, so there is no reason that any man suffering from this condition may not enjoy a fulfilling and intimate relationship with their partner.
Once a cause has been established, a treatment program can be initiated. Because there are often several reasons contributing to a man’s impotence, a combination of treatments is usually adopted. Treatments available are:
1.Changing prescription medication if it is determined to be the cause
2.External vacuum devices
3.Intracavernous injections
4.Hormone therapy
5.Oral medications, (e.g. Viagra or Yohimbine)
6.Psychotherapy and counseling
7.Penile prosthetic implants
8.Improving sleep and relaxation (most common cause in middle-aged men is tiredness)
If you believe you may be suffering from erectile dysfunction please contact a medical professional immediately. A physician will be able to properly inform you on available options and direct you to a specialist who can more accurately diagnose your condition and help build you a treatment program.
Vaginal Dryness
Some women have difficulty producing a satisfactory amount of natural lubrication for engaging in vaginal intercourse. This condition is the female equivalent of male impotence. Women who suffer from excessive dryness will find trying to engage in vaginal intercourse close to impossible without treatment or the use of a sexual lubricant. As with male impotence, female dryness is the result of a physical or psychological condition, or a mixture of both. Please remember that being excessively dry only requires treatment if it is chronic and while you have the mental desire, you definitely do not have the physical capability.
Physical Factor
This is when the female body is actually improperly functioning or is being harmed by some form of chemical it is ingesting. Possible reasons for this are:
1.Damaged spinal cord or nerves
2.Side-effect of medication or narcotics
3.Low hormone levels
4.Malfunctioning glands
Psychological Factor
Any mental duress you are under can severally curtail your want and in many cases your ability to sexually perform. It is imperative a woman understands that her desire to sexually perform is critical in becoming well lubricated. If you don’t really feel like having intercourse, but you feel you should because your partner has asked, then you are only ensuring yourself an unfulfilled sexual experience. Women who suffer from a psychological impediment are usually more inclined to not want to have sexual intercourse altogether than just being unable to naturally lubricate themselves. Some reasons for a psychological inhibition are:
1.Traumatic sexual experience that is mentally unresolved (e.g., rape or incest)
2.Excessive stress
3.Relationship woes
4.Anxiety about sexual performance
5.Depression
6.Psychiatric conditions
Treatment
If you are suffering from a physical or psychological inability to naturally lubricate yourself then it is imperative that you seek professional assistance. A doctor will be able to determine accurately what is wrong and what options are available to you. In the interim though, an excellent temporary solution is using sexual lubricants. Many couples use sexual lubricants because they find it greatly increases the stimulation they gain from intercourse. Although not a cure for your physical or psychological problem it is a good temporary fix until you are properly diagnosed and treated.
Sexual Lubricants
A vaginal lubricant is a water-based, condom-friendly liquid or jelly used to enhance or replace a woman's natural lubrication. Many couples regard lubricants as a must-have item and find that it extremely improves the quality of intercourse. Also, sexual lubricant is an essential ingredient to successful anal intercourse. Furthermore, the use of lubricant on the inside of a condom can make the sensations delivered to the penis much stronger.
Prior to the current, safer-sex era, many people used oil-based lubricants, namely Vaseline or mineral oil. Neither of these are healthy choices as a sexual aide. Petroleum-based oils (i.e., Vaseline) destroy latex upon contact, making them useless for use with condoms, diaphragms, cervical caps, sponges, and the protective coatings around some IUDs. Oils also coat the inside of the vagina and rectum, providing a breeding ground for dangerous bacteria. Consider oil-based lubricants for cosmetic use only and not as a sexual aide.
Ingredients
Most lubricants are made up of one or more of the following: glycerin, hydroxyethyl cellulose, or propylene glycol. Some add aloe Vera or vitamin E acetate to better moisturize and promote dermal regeneration. All add a pH-balancing agent, and most contain a preservative, since the active ingredient is essentially a food additive and would spoil otherwise.
Premature Ejaculation
Premature ejaculation is one of the more common sexual dysfunctions a man can have. The good news is that it is a dilemma that can be overcome. Symptoms of the dysfunction are ejaculation before his partner is satisfied on a regular basis. It is a very subjective dysfunction, some define it to be ejaculating virtually immediately, and others define it to be under 5-10 minutes. The general rule of thumb is if you continuously ejaculate before you want, i.e. you wish you could last longer.
The most common time to experience the problem is during the first few sexual encounters. As a man conquers his anxieties, and gains more understanding of the functions of his body, the problem generally goes away. Though most men learn to control their orgasm, some develop long-term anxiety to sexual activities and show symptoms for months or years. The best way to beat the dysfunction is to have an understanding partner that you can relax with.
Conquering Premature Ejaculation
These techniques can be performed with a partner or alone. Though both will help, getting comfortable with you partner is essential to fixing the problem.
Start & Stop Technique
The primary principle of this technique is to stimulate the penis until near ejaculation, and then to stop stimulating to allow the level of excitement to drop. This exercise can be performed alone, or with a partner, and should be repeated 3 to 5 times per session. After 2-6 weeks of using this technique you should notice an improvement in your sexual stamina and will eventually not even have to use it to outlast your partner.
Squeeze Technique
Right before you feel you are about to ejaculate, approximately three or four strokes away, stop stimulating and squeeze the base of your penis by wrapping your thumb and index finger around it. Apply firm pressure, focusing on the urethra, the tube running along the underside of the penis. This lessens the tension and holds back the ejaculatory response. Be sure to apply pressure a few strokes before ejaculating, if you wait too long, it may be too late! You should be able to apply this technique anywhere along the shaft of the penis, as long as it squeezes the urethra.
Regular Masturbation
A great method for boosting sexual stamina and releasing sexual tension is regular masturbation. By masturbating more often, you can train yourself to become more used to the stimulation. As you get more and more used to it, it should start taking you progressively longer to climax.
Wearing Condoms
Many couples have claimed that wearing condoms significantly reduces the stimulation of intercourse for both partners, but especially the male. If you are not already using condoms to protect against STD's and pregnancy, try wearing them to increase your stamina.
Sex Toys
Following the same line of logic as in “Regular Masturbation” above, you can use sex toys to help you become more “immune” to the pleasure. Sex simulators are recommended over regular vibrators, but both should work.
Frigidity
Frigidity, properly known as sexual arousal disorder (SAD), is a condition where a woman or man is unable to achieve or sustain sexual arousal. It is characterized by unresponsiveness, rare experiences of orgasm, and complete avoidance of sexual activity. This should not be taken to mean that any woman who is not regularly experiencing orgasms through coitus (vaginal sex) is frigid; that would be a misinterpretation of what is being stated. SAD is the express condition where a woman is rarely, if at all, able to experience an orgasm through any form of sexual stimulation (e.g., cunnilingus, masturbation, etc.).
SAD can stem from either psychological or physical conditions and is often of a very complex nature. Psychological causes may include: lack of knowledge about sexual techniques, stress, and conflict with a partner; these are usually accompanied by anxiety, fear, depression, or guilt about sexual activities. Physical causes may include: conditions that inflict pain during intercourse, reduction in estrogen due to menopause, abnormal physical structures in, on, or around the woman’s body, and obstructions.
If you believe you are suffering from SAD you should contact your physician immediately and discuss further your symptoms and the possible solutions for your malady.
Sexual Obsessions
ob•ses•sion n.
1. Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety.
2.A compulsive, often unreasonable idea or emotion.
An obsessed person will find him or herself pre-occupied with a specific object or act that they feel is of utmost importance to achieving some form of gratification. The man who sneaks into his neighbor’s yard and steals a pair of panties off the clothesline is suffering from an obsession. The woman who can only achieve sexual gratification by dressing in latex garments is suffering from an obsession. Any person driven by a compulsive idea or emotion to gain some form of satisfaction is a victim of an obsession. The pinnacle of an obsessed individual is the stalker and it is this person who is the most dangerous and requires the most help.
One thing to remember is that obsessions are not necessarily bad, but when the obsession forces someone to act in ways that are dangerous or illegal then that person should seek psychiatric help because the obsession is becoming uncontrollable. As with the examples given above, the woman may wish to seek help since the requirement for latex to achieve sexual gratification is neither dangerous nor illegal, but is definitely indication of some form of psychiatric issue, whereas the man should definitely seek psychiatric counseling since his obsession is driving him to perform illegal acts and this can only have a negative impact on his life.
If you believe you or someone you know may be suffering from an unhealthy obsession, please consult a professional health care provider immediately.
PILLOW TALK: BDSM - A GENTLE, FIRM INTRODUCTION
By: Glory Fink
You spoke and I listened. You emailed and I replied, eventually. By popular request, it's "The BDSM Newbie Article"! BDSM: It's not just for leather clad weirdoes, anymore. That picture perfect couple down the street? Yeah, they like to play "Officer and The Naughty Criminal" once in a while, too. I'm not here to make judgment calls concerning what you do in the privacy of your own bedroom but I do want you to be safe and well informed. Let us banish the rumors and myths and get down to the facts.
The Basics
Depending on whom you talk with BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, sado-masochism or bondage, domination, submission and masochism. Most people seem to agree on the bondage and the masochism, but the rest seems open for personal interpretation.
Communication
An integral part of the BDSM community from newbies to experts alike is communication and consent. Trust is in there as well, but effective communication breeds trust, and true consent doesn't happen without trust. The community has worked so hard to make communication and consent the norm that the mantra, "Safe, Sane and Consensual" has even entered popular mainstream culture.
It is vital everyone from dabblers to veterans to practice effective communication. We have all been in that situation where we are trying to decide where to eat when the other person in the car says, "Oh, anywhere is fine with me." But when you suggest a pizza joint or a Chinese place you are told, "Eww, not there! I hate Chinese food (or pizza or whatever)." This breakdown in communication can happen in the bedroom just as easily. In short, talk a lot and explain yourself but listen more than you talk.
B is for Bondage
There is no reason you have to shop at some specialty store, or even the hardware store for that matter, to dabble in a little bondage. Scarves work just as well as expensive cuffs. While we're on the subject of cuffs, if you insist on using them please make sure the keys are not only in a safe place but easy to reach in an emergency, too. If your roommate (or parent) comes home unexpectedly and you forgot to lock your bedroom door you'll want quick, easy access to those keys.
Should you lose the keys to those real handcuffs you're going to have to call the cops to help you. You think they won't talk? Think again. By the end of the night, every cop in the county will have heard about your sexual escapade as well as every hilarious detail. Don't become a punch line, keep track of those keys!
But why bother with restraints, at all? Mental bondage might be right up your alley. "No matter how good this feels don't move an inch or I'll stop."
Did You See My Sub?
For newbies, often the first experimentation into the area of domination and sado-masochism is spanking. It doesn't require any special equipment (see: hand) and most of us are familiar with the technique.
There are a few things to keep in mind. Unless the spanker is a ditch digger, his or her hand alone shouldn't be hard enough to cause permanent damage, fraternity paddles are a different matter. Your safest bet for spanking without maiming is going to be the spankee's fleshy buttock cheeks. Most people think the tailbone is located just below the small of the back when in reality it is found an inch or two below the beginning of the buttock divide.
If a person is bent over and then hit with a frat paddle across the crack, there is a good chance of injuring that tailbone. Break that bone and the spankee will quickly learn from the ER doctor that there is no cast for a broken tailbone. Just an embarrassing inflatable donut to sit on for 6 to 18 months.
Be careful. If you're going to spank or be spanked, use your common sense and remember to avoid the tailbone area. I hope that satisfied your educational needs. Let me know if you have further questions.
To improve your depth of knowledge I recommend "The Complete Spanker" by Lady Green and "SM 101: A Realistic Introduction" by Jay Wiseman.
THE POWER HOUSE OF SEXUAL PLEASURE!
By: Marie Clare (source- ezinearticles.com)
In a previous article "The Joys Of Self Pleasure" I gave you tips on how to have a relaxing time with masturbation. Let me just say that I feel sex and masturbation are both a part of a healthy lifestyle. Having said that, I also believe that sex toys can be a great means of pleasure and can really enhance ones lovemaking. So today I want to tell you about one vibrator that gets used regularly in this household. This is a vibrator you can use when you are alone, or together with your partner during sex. Which by the way, is one of the reasons it gets used so often. I'm speaking of The Jack Rabbit. Nooo not the fury little critter we see at Easter, but a jelly-coated, multi colored, multi speed powerhouse of sexual pleasure.
The Jack Rabbit Vibrator was chosen as the best vibrator of 40 different vibrators on the Playboy TV's "Sexcetera". Charlotte was addicted to it on HBO's "Sex and the City", and it was selected as the best vibrator on a New York radio station when pitted against the Hitachi Magic Wand.
The Rabbit Vibrator is designed especially with the needs of women in mind. For this reason they stand out as one of the best and top selling sex toys for women, and purchased by women. Now, if you are wondering why someone who is happily married would have a Jack Rabbit Vibrator, you haven't had the pleasure of its vibrations and gyrations yet. ;-)
The Rabbit Vibrator has three main parts. First a rotating or gyrating penis shaped shaft to give it a realistic feeling. Some Rabbit Vibrators have metal or plastic beads embedded in the shaft that vibrate or rotate. The beads rotate and vibrate massaging the vaginal muscles during orgasm. This really helps to enhance the feeling of an orgasm. And I mean REALLY Enhance! These beads or "pleasure pearls" as they are called are found only on a Rabbit Vibrator.
Then there are the "bunny ears". These "ears" flicker from the vibrations. They stimulate the clitoris while the shaft of the vibrator is inserted vaginally. This once again is perfect for women as it has been long proven that women experience easier and stronger orgasms if during penetration the clitoris is stimulated at the same time. The Jack Rabbit Vibrator does just that! And they do it very well!
Rabbit Vibrators have a turbo powered dual controller. An independent control for the 'rabbit ears', and one for the speed and swing of the vibrator shaft. This allows for a totally unique sexual experience for each woman, as sexual arousal is different for each of us. When all of these features work their magic together it is like the excitement of being on the largest roller coaster in the world. Can you just imagine all of that pleasure! WOW!
All I can tell you is how much I love my Jack Rabbit and if you haven't had the pleasure of the Rabbit's vibrations and gyrations yet and you're looking for a vibrator made especially for women, the Rabbit Vibrator is IT! The Rabbit Vibrator - A Girl's Best Friend!
Good Vibrations! Marie Clare Relationship Consultant ant & Author
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